Children of unmarried parents to just run around doing murders

ALL children born after 2022 will be born out of wedlock, and lead a life of devoid of any morals.

Trend forecasters have discovered a year-on-year decline in the institution of marriage, leading inevitably to the total collapse of society into an orgy of murders.

A spokesman for the Church of England said: “By 2022 women will only marry the father of their children if forced to do so on a reality television show.

“If parents don’t know it’s wrong to fornicate outside a marital bed, they don’t know that it’s wrong to steal valuable items, deliberately trample flowers and hit people with hatchets.

“And if they don’t know, their offspring shall never find out.”

She added: “By 2050, the country will be ruled by ‘children of sin’, which can only mean a Mad Max style post apocalyptic society is on the horizon, in which everything is constantly on fire.

“And people have cars that looking like go-karts with machine guns welded to the bonnect.

Donna Sheridan, a mother of two from Whitstable said “We’ve been working so hard to provide a future for Ethel and Agnes that we forgot to get married.

“No one said anything, but at the time I think our relatives were secretly grateful because everyone secretly hates going to weddings.

“We realise that we may as well have just left them on a paedophile’s doorstep with a Chicken Family Bucket.”


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Tabloids running summer Gazza repeats

THE UK’s tabloid newspapers have admitted running old headlines about Gazza during the quiet summer news season. 

Sun editor David Dinsmore said: “Stories of Gazza being hopelessly pissed and a shadow of the footballer he once was have been popular with the public for 20 years.

“Where’s the harm in giving them another chance to enjoy his drawn-out decline into destitution?”

Other current reruns include 70s favourite Labour vs the unions, the Arab Spring back from two years ago, and classic 80s shoulder-pad bitchfest the royal baby.