Child’s birthday party is big ‘f**k you’ to other mums

A DELIGHTFUL birthday party enjoyed by a child and his friends totally pissed on all the other kids’ shitty parties, a mother believes.

Donna Sheridan’s son Simon and friends were treated to face painting, clowns and a large inflatable fun slide as part of a bitter ongoing battle for superiority among local parents.

Sheridan said: “The party was expensive but it was well worth it to see all those happy children and show those bitches from the school run who’s boss.

“I’ll never forget the look on Sandra Horton’s face when she saw there was professional catering and not one but three clowns. What did her son Liam have? Pass the parcel with a fucking Twix in it.

“Other notable features included proper helium balloons and yummy mini-burgers. How d’you like them apples, Cassandra Smith, with your saggy witch’s tit balloons and crappy egg sandwiches?

“I took some photos – about 300 – because you’ve got to cherish every moment of children growing up. Also I can put them on Facebook and the other mums will be forced to ‘like’ them.

“Best of all the kids all took home a goody bag with an electronic robot or a plush unicorn toy to act as a lasting reminder of my victory.”

Fellow mum Emma Bradford said: “I need to pull something pretty spectacular out of the bag for Ollie’s birthday now. Is it legal for five-year-olds to go skydiving?”

Last bit of sausage forced to watch as rest of breakfast eaten before him

THE last bit of a sausage has been forced to watch his fellow breakfast ingredients being devoured in front of him.

Mouthful of sausage Martin Bishop was the only remaining survivor of a full English breakfast that was eaten this morning, and says he’s not sure if he can deal with the memories.

Bishop said: “First a load of the beans went, then the yoke of the egg was split in half.”

“Then the black pudding, my God, the black pudding.

“Then he started on the sausage and I thought that was it for me. But he left me. Left me to watch as he mopped up the last of the sauce with a little bit of toast.

“I feel a mixture of relief and guilt. Although I think all sausages carry a bit of guilt and shame, just for being sausages.”

Bishop is now dealing with the trauma by talking it over with other remaining bits of breakfasts in the cafe’s bin.