Christian foster couple forced to accept God's will

FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.

As the High Court ruled that children should not be raised in the 14th century, theologians admitted the decision, like the countless cruel and violent deaths over the course of human history, must be part of God’s plan.

God had previously made Derby County Council turn down Owen and Eunice Johns’ fostering application because they refused to tell a child that homosexuality must also be part of God’s plan.

But last night the couple insisted they will appeal claiming God has finally made his second mistake, the first being the creation of gay people.

Mr Johns said: “My entire life has been based on the belief that God is perfect and that everything happens for a reason except gayness.

“I now realise he’s only 92% perfect and could probably learn a thing or two from the European Court of Human Rights.”

The couple’s lawyer, Martin Bishop, said: “We believe this decision was the result of an administrative error in heaven and that God has inadvertently given a child to the Sir Elton Johns.

“I’m sure the mistake happened at a lower level, possibly Jesus, nevertheless the liability rests with God as his departmental line manager.”

He added: “It’s the sort of mix-up that happens a million times a day in large bureaucracies. Indeed, Mr Johns believes this is the reason he has never been able to land a record deal.”

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Relief as kebabs found to contain chimp meat

KEBAB lovers were last night relieved to discover their favourite food is nothing more than illegal chimpanzee meat.

The Institute for Studies found that around 64% of kebab matter was from chimps, which although endangered are relatively nutritious.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “For years experts like myself believed it to be the flesh of an ancient race of octopi-like creatures, possibly of extra-terrestrial origin, whose frozen bodies had been found among the ruins of an ancient civilisation at the North Pole and then pulped, boiled and mixed with sawdust and Germolene.

“Whereas chimpanzees are reassuringly familiar, have appeared in many films and television adverts and have probably eaten an organic diet.”

The discovery is reassuring news for consumers, many of whom experience the condition clinically termed Post-Kebab Self-Loathing Syndrome, described by doctors as the morning-after sensation of having betrayed one own’s soul.

Bi-weekly kebab purchaser, Tom Logan, said: “Chimps are pretty much vegetarian. Therefore eating a chimp is the same as eating vegetables.

“I won’t even get the salad next time. I’ve never really trusted it anyway, because of its sinister hue and disturbingly obvious lack of blood.

“But I will of course get the hot sauce that I actually hate as it remains a simple but effective way of illustrating my robust masculinity.”

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