THE sight of a town’s Christmas lights going up is a terrifying glimpse of the nightmarish festivity on its way.
People witnessing the lights being erected in Winchester have been filled with a cold sense of dread as they realise the season of expensive gift-giving and familial obligations is hanging over them like a festive executioner’s axe.
Onlooker Emma Bradford said: “Seeing illuminated stars and angels being fixed into place only means one thing: the next six weeks are going to be a living Hell.
“They may look enchanting and whimsical, but don’t be deceived. Like animals feeling restless before a storm, they’re a grim warning that a catastrophe is brewing. Although I’d rather suffer through a hurricane than my son’s nativity play.”
Martin Bishop said: “They may not spell it out explicitly, but these lights are telling you to either hunker down or immediately flee to a country that doesn’t observe Christmas, like China.
“It’s going to get worse before it gets better. Towns will be clogged with shitty markets. Offices will throw massively inconvenient parties. Children will expect you to orchestrate magical experiences, all while you try to navigate the normal stresses of daily life.
“The only way to avoid the relentless onslaught of Christmas whimsy is to die, and come mid-December that will feel awfully tempting. Merry Christmas, one and all.”
