Christmas summarised with a single grunt

BRITONS are describing their Christmas break to each other using a single semi-intelligible sound.

When asked if he had a nice holiday period, office manager Roy Hobbs said: “Mmuh.”

Accounts assistant Emma Bradford raised her eyebrows in a vaguely approving manner and described her Christmas as “Ungh.”

After a five-second pause she added: “So, yeah.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Rehhh.”

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Cheap oil to create stinking, cancerous, gridlocked utopia

THE plummeting oil price will create a perfect world of traffic jams and a foul-smelling greyish-green fog.

As the price fell towards $50 a barrel, experts said the conditions are now in place for a car-filled utopia that will definitely give you cancer.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Cars are a sign that everything is great so the more cars there are the better everything is. It’s basic economics.

“Yes, you will have to park on your roof, but I think that sounds really futuristic and cool.”

He added: “The fumes will only be a problem because of the tumours. But remember, all this oil that we’re setting fire to is really cheap.

“Plus, I spoke to some bloke and apparently we’re about two weeks away from curing cancer, so fuck it.

“And before you ask, the climate thing is fine because every single one of those scientists is a Marxist pervert.”