Sad, politicised 0p recipes for Christmas

DISMAL festive recipes that you will never make, with the emphasis on low cost, political cant and pervasive gloom.

Teary Hair (left wing)

Ingredients –

Hair (0p)

Tears (0p)

Instructions –

Tear out clumps of your hair in frustration that the bastard Tories stopped your benny.

Put the hair in a chipped, dirty little bowl that you found on the street.

Cry into the bowl, because you are sad and poor, like everyone living under capitalism.

Cry, cry for hours.

Stir the hair and tears together with your thin malnourished finger.

Eat the resulting teary hair.

Warm Hand (right wing)

Ingredients –

Hand (0p)

Instructions –

It’s common sense really. Can’t anyone do anything for themselves these days? For Christ’s sake.

Remove any excess hair from your hand. Make sure to do it properly, not all slapdash like foreigners and the young.

Turn on an oven ring while feeling angry about the lack of grammar schools and, for that matter, proper grammar. Especially apostrophes.

Place hand on oven ring until it starts to smell a bit like bacon.

Remove hand from oven ring.

Leave hand to cool and then eat, feeling pleased with your own canny self-sufficiency – that bulldog quality which saw Britain through two World Wars.

Go to hospital.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Families watching traditional girl-on-girl stage shows

THOUSANDS of British families are celebrating Christmas by watching some girl-on-girl action.

Bite that symbolic apple, baby

The shows, based on old German tales where aberrant sexual desire is thinly concealed by metaphor, let audiences pretend the dark, unknowable longings within us all are just a bit of fun.

Director Roy Hobbs said: “The main character is a girl dressed as a boy, but a sexy boy in knee-high leather boots and fishnets.

“She’s trying to win the heart of a girl in big flowery dresses and ample cleavage – one of those Barbie fetish types.

“There’s a eunuch, usually played by a man emasculated by years of prime-time ITV.

“And there’s a grotesque parody of womanhood, played by a flamboyant homosexual, whose vanity and outlandish costumes reminds the audience that femininity is ridiculous and wrong.”

The villains are evil, sexually predatory women over 40 who are humiliated and then robbed.

Dad Bill McKay said: “I get to see an EastEnders actress grind up against the girl who does the traffic on the local radio.

“That’s worth the kids wetting their beds for the next few months.”