Churches welcome fair-weather bastards through gritted teeth

CHURCHES are offering a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.

Pews are expected to be full on Easter Sunday with clergy and regular worshippers gritting their teeth and trying not to tell the fair-weather Christians they are going to hell.

Church regular Stephen Malley said: “Suddenly every bugger wants a piece of Jesus. The real fans show up on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke for a meaningless four-hour celebration of St Blaise’s Day.

“These glory-hunting arseholes have ruined Easter. I prefer Pentecost anyway, it’s less commercial.”

Reverend Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I’m tempted to go off-piste and hit them with a surprise Eucharistic prayer or ask ‘who Esau begat’. That’ll show the fuckers.

“At the end of the service I’ll say something like, ‘See you all for the Assumption of Mary’, as if these tosspots even know what that is.

“Though obviously we are all equal in the sight of God, which really pisses me off.”

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Living near a Waitrose makes you a 12 per cent better person

A WAITROSE within a mile of your home improves your wisdom, altruism and lovemaking by 12 per cent.

Researchers found that residents within walking distance of the store gave more to charity, were charming dinner guests and very good at playing at least two musical instruments.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Every decision a Waitrose shopper makes is unfailingly correct. It’s like the teaching of the Buddha, but cosier and less foreign.”

Waitrose shopper Joseph Turner said: “Paying more for groceries is an act of self-improvement. I don’t want to be better than you, but I just am.”

The researchers also found that people who live near an Aldi have psychic powers which are often, but not always, used for evil.

Meanwhile, people who live near an Asda have an extra finger and are regularly attacked by birds.