CHURCHES are offering a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.
Pews are expected to be full on Easter Sunday with clergy and regular worshippers gritting their teeth and trying not to tell the fair-weather Christians they are going to hell.
Church regular Stephen Malley said: “Suddenly every bugger wants a piece of Jesus. The real fans show up on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke for a meaningless four-hour celebration of St Blaise’s Day.
“These glory-hunting arseholes have ruined Easter. I prefer Pentecost anyway, it’s less commercial.”
Reverend Denys Finch-Hatton said: “I’m tempted to go off-piste and hit them with a surprise Eucharistic prayer or ask ‘who Esau begat’. That’ll show the fuckers.
“At the end of the service I’ll say something like, ‘See you all for the Assumption of Mary’, as if these tosspots even know what that is.
“Though obviously we are all equal in the sight of God, which really pisses me off.”