Cider Drinkers Too Arseholed To Give A Monkey'S

BRITAIN'S cider drinkers last night greeted the Budget with a glazed expression and a wide, peaceful grin before collapsing into a hedge.

As chancellor Alistair Darling outlined plans to slash Britain's £1.4 trillion deficit with a new supertax on Diamond White, fans of the beverage were torn between trying to get up or to just accept the situation and go to sleep in the hedge.

Roy Hobbs, from Peterborough, said: "I feel fine. I do, I feel fine. Tell you what, if each of you can just grab my arms. No, no. Stop. That's not gonna work. Let's just think about this."

Getting very serious for a moment, he added: "The thing about stuff is, right, is that it's all shit. It's all just a big fucking game. You know?  

"So this guy says some stuff and other guy goes blah blah and then what happens? How the fuck should I know? Has anyone got any food?"

Meanwhile economists said the government's economic strategy would only work if the Diamond White supertax was accompanied by an ambitious national pothole fixing programme and a new version of Grand Theft Auto.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "We should also see some benefit from making first time buyers believe they would be slightly better off if anyone actually gave them a mortgage."

Mr Darling told the Commons that his package of pathetic bribes and class war proved that Labour was right about you being a moron and is right about you continuing to be a moron.

The chancellor also stressed that thanks to a dream he had, the fictitious deficit figures for 2014 were now much lower than the ones he originally made-up.

Declaring war on the people who pay Labour MPs for bullshit consultancy services, he added: "Those who made the wealth must be made to pay for making the wealth that has made them so wealthy."

But Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madely-Finnegan: said: "Labour and the trade unions always imagine it's the honest, downtrodden workers who really create the wealth and that rich people are basically characters from a Dickens novel.

"But of course if the rich people hadn't started the companies then, in all likelihood, the workers would be sitting around in their own dung, guzzling cider and picking the fleas out of each other's pubes."

Hedge-based consumer, Roy Hobbs, added: "Come on Eileen, oh come on Eileen, oh come on now, oh come ooooon Eileeeeeen."

 

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O'Leary, Warns Ba Boss

BRITISH Airlines staff have been told that Michael O’Leary will be made their new chief executive unless they call off their strike action.

The Ryanair boss was wheeled into the latest round of talks in a cage and then nodded at significantly by BA executives.

BA chief Willie Walsh said: "Let's see how they cope with 'Commodore Shamrock' pissing into the plane's fuel tanks while the airport is closed, then giggling like a five-year-old and running away.

"Y'see, despite running a moderately large airline, Michael is convinced his planes won't fly without a dash of his winkie juice.

"And cabin crew are expected to say a little prayer of thanks every flight, just before the safety announcement, for the great golden gift he's provided them."

A Ryanair spokesman insisted that O'Leary would remain head of the airline for the foreseeable future as he is halfway through his four-year plan to check behind every cloud in the sky in his search for the ghost of St Patrick.

He added: "When he does 'find him' he's going to ask whether he wants to be the pilot of a special plane he's having made out of Shannon peat.

"And by the way, if you work for BA you should know that yes, he has taken his medication. Today is one of the good days."