Clever people obsessively bored with royal baby

SELF-STYLED clever people cannot stop expressing their indifference to the royal offspring, it has emerged.

Thousands of columnists, bloggers and people who’ve read Wolf Hall are unable to shut up about how little they care about the forthcoming baby.

Social commentator Nathan Muir said: “Most people don’t realise this, but the royal family is an antiquated, irrelevant institution based on an accident of birth.

“A lot of people claim to be indifferent towards this baby, but trust me, I’m more indifferent than them.

“Also I’m indifferent in a different way. I’m reluctant to say a cleverer way but if you want to think that then fine.”

Columnist Emma Bradford said: “Tonight I’m actually going on The Review Show to describe at length my disinterest in the royal child.

“I’m hoping to crowbar in the word ‘manichean’ so people think that’s how I talk normally.”

Nathan Muir’s girlfriend Carolyn Ryan said: “Nathan was just like this when Lady Diana died. He spent four solid weeks being obsessively uninterested in that.”

Muir responded: “Actually, she was Diana, Princess of Wales when she died. You can’t even get that right and you’re obsessed with the royals.”



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Masterchef 'an elaborate cannibal ploy to fatten up Greg Wallace'

THE cannibals behind TV’s Masterchef planned to eat Greg Wallace when he reached sufficient plumpness, it has emerged.

Suspicions were aroused after Wallace praised every dish that was either a pudding or in a rich sauce, raising questions about why he was employed as a cookery show judge.

A subsequent police raid on the series’ production office revealed recipes and diagrams showing Wallace being variously roasted, broiled or sealed in a plastic bag and dunked into one of Masterchef’s ubiquitous water baths.

A police spokesman said: “Masterchef was run by a cartel of wealthy gourmands who crave the ultimate delicacy – human flesh.

“They’d been fattening up Greg for years but he’s never quite reached maximum edibility during previous series.

“This year the ‘competitors’ – highly-paid employees of the cannibal cartel who deliberately split their sauces to feign nervousness – had been asked to step it up with the short crust pastry and liquid-centred chocolate desserts.

“The genius of the plan was to broadcast it on national television. Recession-hit audiences would consider Greg to be a greedy sod and there would be little public impetus for a search when he disappeared.

“Wallace was one roulade away from death.”