Clinical, joyless humans have already finished their Christmas shopping

EARLY shoppers have already bought all the cold, impersonal gifts which they will hand to the humans they are obliged to exchange them with.

The organised buyers last night drew precise horizontal lines through the last names on their laser-printed lists, before looking up at empty rooms and presenting thin-lipped smiles beneath their cold, dead eyes.

Francesca Johnson, from Birmingham, said: “There. Done. And with more than a month to go.

“I don’t know why people who live chaotic lives make such a meal of it when you can get everything you need from the three-for-two at Boots.

“I’ve beaten the crowds, dodged all the Christmas music, and finished an onerous task with minimum exposure to trace amounts of seasonal goodwill.

“By Sunday evening everything will be wrapped and labelled, and by midday on December 27th the tree and decorations will be back in their stackable storage crates in the loft for another year.”

She added: “Technically these are the gifts for Christmas 2022. We’re a year ahead to be safe.

“Friends give me presents they say they’ve really thought hard about. I smile for the allotted amount of time, thank them and then put whatever it is away.”

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Trump voter listens carefully to call for national unity then sets up Aryan website

A DONALD Trump supporter listened carefully to the president-elect’s call for national unity before registering the domain name for a white supremacist website.

Brent Logan, from Ohio, paid $19.99 for and said he hoped it would be a website for all Americans, ‘except the black, hispanic, Asian, Muslim and Jewish ones’.

He added: “But they’re not American anyway. Which is what President Trump has been saying all along.

“Which us why his call for national unity is so important. He wants to unify us against blacks, hispanics, Asians, Muslims and the Jews.

“He is a very good public speaker.”

Logan continued: “It’s going to be very much an Aryan lifestyle website. Fashion tips for intimidating minorities at a picnic; how to decorate your basement with flags, that sort of thing.”