Closing bad universities could exclude people who did nothing at school

PATHETIC universities may be allowed to close, threatening the academic careers of people who should never have been there anyway.

Of the country’s million or so universities, economists believe the bottom 400,000, many of which were established specifically to service the needs of the lazy, are in a precarious financial state and could soon be forced to shut their doors.

Emma Bradford, Head of Media and Buns at the threatened University of Polytechnic, said: “Establishments like ours provide a vital service to young people who are not typically academic, in the sense that they preferred to spend their sixth form years smoking baggy joints while listening to dubstep in a rusty hatchback just outside the school gates instead of attending some onerous lesson about oxbow lakes.

“Poor quality universities like ours offer diverse non-traditional courses, like Shopping Centre Studies, Kite Worship and Lesbian Wolf Husbandry, that suit the needs of indolent minds who want to avoid proper work for three years while doing the odd DJ night in shit pubs.

“Actually, BA Hons Running Odd DJ Nights in Shit Pubs is just £9,000 a year.”

University of Polytechnic lecturer Martin Bishop, who runs the Cheese and Harps BA Hons course, said: “As a reasonably charismatic hard-drinking divorcee who regularly sleeps in his clothes and may yet provide inspiration for a Mike Leigh film, I am unemployable in any other capacity.

“Except perhaps as a careers advisor. And the prospect of doing that job is only marginally more depressing than stepping in front of a Range Rover.”

Uncommitted student Stephen Malley said: “I am so angry with this situation, whatever it is. I didn’t really catch it the first time, sorry.

“Well not like, super angry. But I mean, you know, fuck it.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Phone hacking scandal finally interesting

THE tabloid phone hacking scandal widened last night to include some voicemail messages you may actually care about.

Amid fresh evidence that the noble art of British journalism has been infiltrated by absolute scoundrels, people across the country said this might just be starting to get a bit fucking juicy.

Police are being urged to investigate claims that the hacking included Kate Middleton, Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson and an MI5 spy handler in addition to a seemingly endless litany of pointless film stars, daytime TV presenters and the oaf Prescott.

The Guardian revealed that some fuckers hired a bastard to get up to all kinds muck, before quietly admitting that not all the fuckers worked for News International.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “With the allegation that the Mirror group is also up to its tits in this the Guardian may be forced to accept that left wing people can do bad things too.”

Tom Logan, who has flicked past this shit without taking a blind bit of notice for about three years now, said: “This means we are just one step way from Pippa and at that point I’m phoning in sick.

“I’d also be interested to hear whether Tony Blair got my message urging him to commit suicide. He never returned my call, which I thought was quite rude.”

Logan added: “Oh and by the way, is it just me or are British newspapers run by utter fucking maniacs?”

It is understood Kate Middleton’s voicemails included a drunken message from Prince Harry regarding a ‘sneaky wee blow job’, a series of thinly veiled threats from Prince Philip and four separate calls from James Hewitt asking if she would like to play ‘horsey’.

Peter Mandelson’s voicemails were mostly in Russian or Chinese, except for one message from Ed Balls pleading for the safe return of his children’s hamster.

Meanwhile Tony Blair’s messages included one from the chairman of Halliburton asking which account the money should be paid into and Gordon Brown leaving the one word message ‘resign’ for 3,659 days in a row.