Closing bad universities could exclude people who did nothing at school

PATHETIC universities may be allowed to close, threatening the academic careers of people who should never have been there anyway.

Whither the next generation of kite worship lecturers?

Of the country’s million or so universities, economists believe the bottom 400,000, many of which were established specifically to service the needs of the lazy, are in a precarious financial state and could soon be forced to shut their doors.

Emma Bradford, Head of Media and Buns at the threatened University of Polytechnic, said: “Establishments like ours provide a vital service to young people who are not typically academic, in the sense that they preferred to spend their sixth form years smoking baggy joints while listening to dubstep in a rusty hatchback just outside the school gates instead of attending some onerous lesson about oxbow lakes.

“Poor quality universities like ours offer diverse non-traditional courses, like Shopping Centre Studies, Kite Worship and Lesbian Wolf Husbandry, that suit the needs of indolent minds who want to avoid proper work for three years while doing the odd DJ night in shit pubs.

“Actually, BA Hons Running Odd DJ Nights in Shit Pubs is just £9,000 a year.”

University of Polytechnic lecturer Martin Bishop, who runs the Cheese and Harps BA Hons course, said: “As a reasonably charismatic hard-drinking divorcee who regularly sleeps in his clothes and may yet provide inspiration for a Mike Leigh film, I am unemployable in any other capacity.

“Except perhaps as a careers advisor. And the prospect of doing that job is only marginally more depressing than stepping in front of a Range Rover.”

Uncommitted student Stephen Malley said: “I am so angry with this situation, whatever it is. I didn’t really catch it the first time, sorry.

“Well not like, super angry. But I mean, you know, fuck it.”