Cocktails 'a load of stupid bullshit', confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Despite being pointless, cocktails have developed into a multi-billion pound industry that relies on people pretending they only drink things for the taste.

Now bar staff have revealed they despise and pity anyone who orders cocktails while having huge respect for decent people who just order a pint or a hefty glass of wine.

Barman Tom Booker said: “If you order anything that involves shaking ice about you’re an idiot and you;re wasting my time.

“I should stress, of course, that I am just a cocktail barman rather than a ‘mixologist’. Those guys really believe that cocktails aren’t bullshit. They’re like the Mormons of the bar trade.”

Cocktail fan Nikki Hollis said: “I try new recipes at home all the time. It’s basically a mix of fruit juices and a shitload of rum. I’m fancy.”

Meanwhile, a pub in Stevenage has banned all cocktails in favour of a bucket filled with leftover spirits, occasionally topped up with apple juice and ice that people can dip a glass into for a fiver.

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Dacre admits he once took delight in something that wasn’t horrible

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.

Dacre said: “It was about 20 years ago and I noticed some flowers in a vase on the kitchen table. I presumed they had been placed there by my wife or one of the other people who has access to my house.

“I sat at the table ready to berate these flowers for not having a job, when I noticed they were actually quite lovely. Beautiful vivid colours, remarkable symmetry and a soft fragrance.

“I thought to myself, ‘isn’t this nice’.”

He added: “And then I took a blowtorch to them and that was very enjoyable too.”