Cocktails ‘a load of stupid bullshit’, confirm cocktail bar staff

COCKTAILS are nothing more than overpriced bullshit for idiots, cocktail bar staff have confirmed.

Despite being pointless, cocktails have developed into a multi-billion pound industry that relies on people pretending they only drink things for the taste.

Now bar staff have revealed they despise and pity anyone who orders cocktails while having huge respect for decent people who just order a pint or a hefty glass of wine.

Barman Tom Booker said: “If you order anything that involves shaking ice about you’re an idiot and you;re wasting my time.

“I should stress, of course, that I am just a cocktail barman rather than a ‘mixologist’. Those guys really believe that cocktails aren’t bullshit. They’re like the Mormons of the bar trade.”

Cocktail fan Nikki Hollis said: “I try new recipes at home all the time. It’s basically a mix of fruit juices and a shitload of rum. I’m fancy.”

Meanwhile, a pub in Stevenage has banned all cocktails in favour of a bucket filled with leftover spirits, occasionally topped up with apple juice and ice that people can dip a glass into for a fiver.