Ascot declares war on Glastonbury

ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war. 

The race meeting, sick of being overshadowed, has ordered its drunken gamblers, Hooray Henrys, claws-out bitches in fascinators and minor Royals into armed legions which mobilised on the Somerset-Wiltshire border at dawn.

Racehorse owner Julian Cook said: “Our cavalry will ride at the West Holts stage at 1pm, just as the free jazz is playing.

“The Acoustic field will be easy, but we expect to meet heavy resistance from the Arcadia dance village, with its 50-tonne mechanised spider and the beserkers on E.

“From then on it will be hand-to-hand, tent-to-tent, in a desperate attempt to re-establish ourselves as the top event on Britain’s social calendar.

“The Queen herself hopes to take to the Pyramid stage at 9pm tomorrow night, holding the severed head of Dave Grohl.”

Organisers confirmed that the winner of the battle will then take on Wimbledon to be crowned unquestioned ruler of summer.