Ascot declares war on Glastonbury

ROYAL Ascot has decided to finally settle its long-running rivalry with Glastonbury by marching to war. 

The race meeting, sick of being overshadowed, has ordered its drunken gamblers, Hooray Henrys, claws-out bitches in fascinators and minor Royals into armed legions which mobilised on the Somerset-Wiltshire border at dawn.

Racehorse owner Julian Cook said: “Our cavalry will ride at the West Holts stage at 1pm, just as the free jazz is playing.

“The Acoustic field will be easy, but we expect to meet heavy resistance from the Arcadia dance village, with its 50-tonne mechanised spider and the beserkers on E.

“From then on it will be hand-to-hand, tent-to-tent, in a desperate attempt to re-establish ourselves as the top event on Britain’s social calendar.

“The Queen herself hopes to take to the Pyramid stage at 9pm tomorrow night, holding the severed head of Dave Grohl.”

Organisers confirmed that the winner of the battle will then take on Wimbledon to be crowned unquestioned ruler of summer.

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Wealthy foreigner offer £500,000 to be insulted by Prince Philip

OVERSEAS tycoons are prepared to pay up to half a million pounds to be racially mocked by the Duke of Edinburgh, it has emerged.

To be on the receiving end of a Prince Philip “gaffe” is considered a major prize among the international elite, who are queuing up to suffer Philip’s incontinent xenophobia in person.

Lord Norman Steele, who heads a private liaising organisation between the Palace and wealthy patrons, said: “The more grossly unfortunate the better.

“Anything to do with slitty eyes or Bongo Bongo Land is particularly popular, and African tech billionaires love any reference to hunting zebra with spears.

“For today’s international millionaires it’s a real honour to be on the end of some real old-fashioned patronising colonial racism, just like their grandfathers.

“A prominent oil sheikh paid three-quarters of a million for Philip to ask him why he still put a towel on his head when they have electric driers nowadays. His son wants the same for his 18th birthday, instead of Britney Spears.

“With just a few poorly chosen racist words, Philip is raising millions for charity. He’s such a dedicated public servant.”