Amnesty International secures release of Coco, the Coco Pops monkey

COCO the Coco Pops monkey has been freed, emaciated and blinking at the light, by campaigners from Amnesty International. 

The monkey, famous to Britons as the face of the cereal for more than 50 years, was imprisoned for advertising junk food to children and sentenced to life without possibility of parole. 

He said: “Once, I proudly proclaimed to the young people of Britain that I ‘live in the jungle, not in a zoo’. But compared to where I have been, a zoo is a paradise. 

“Rotting alone in a darkened jail, I drank the milk of my bug-infested porridge not because it was delicious and brown and chocolatey but because I needed it to survive another day. 

“It is only thanks to the ceaseless campaigning of my friends Alan Anteater, Hefty Hippo and even my old enemy Crafty Croc that I stand before you today, a free monkey. 

“Amnesty’s efforts cannot end here. Please, I call upon everyone to write letters and donate funds so we can release the Caramel Bunny.” 

When asked how he planned to celebrate his freedom, Coco said he would be eating about six bowls of sugar. 

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Gibraltar 'a real place'

GIBRALTAR is a real place and not a mythical island covered in monkeys and cheap fags, it has emerged.

Spain’s threat to derail the Brexit negotiations over Gibraltar has surprised millions of people who had believed the small, rocky outcrop to be entirely imaginary.

Brexit minister Stephen Barclay said:  “When the Spanish delegation raised the question of Gibraltar we all laughed, it was a great way to clear the tension in the room.

“We thought it was like Lilliput or The Shire.”

He added: “No aspect of Gibraltar sounds realistic at all, but apparently it really is covered in cheeky little monkeys. How marvellous.”

‘Gibraltarian’ Martin Bishop said: “The whole Brexit thing is a bit like being picked up from school by your drunk dad who has shat himself.”