Coffee blamed for infant Italianisation

EXPECTANT mothers frequenting high street coffee shops risk passing on Italian traits to their unborn children, it has been claimed.

Medical experts at the Institute for Studies believe that high doses of espresso and cappuccino during pregnancy can produce symptoms including loucheness and horniness in babies.

Doctor Mary Archer said: “Tantrums that are only quelled by the baring of a female breast are a classic sign of infant Italianisation.

“It is predicted that those exposed to coffee whilst in the womb will carry Italianisms into adulthood, such as an overpowering oedipal complex and an unshakeable belief that their national football team isn’t shit.”

She continued: “Unborn Italianised babies are prone to face the vaginal area in a way that is not altogether wholesome.

“However the child of a tea-drinking mother will actually turn its back on the vagina in a dignified English manner. Overall, tea consumption during pregnancy tends to produce well-mannered, sexually-repressed infants with a healthy sense of their own superiority.”

She added: “This cross-placenta phenomenon is not without precedent. 20 years ago it was alright to have a glass of wine whilst pregnant and now we have a generation of workshy student protestors in fitted trousers who are effectively French.”

Coffee whore Nicky Hollis, who drank up to 25 espressos a day whilst pregnant, thinks it made little difference to her now one year old son, Mason.

She said: “Sure he likes to grab the three month-old girls in the nursery and draw hairs on his head with black marker pen, but what kid doesn’t?”



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BBC apologises for making Piers Morgan look comparatively good

THE BBC issued an official apology last night after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

Clarkson’s now-infamous One Show comments about striking public sector workers created a two-hour window in which Piers Morgan was able to leap on Twitter and register his outrage, and thus temporarily look better than someone else.

A BBC spokesman said: “We apologise unreservedly for inadvertently creating a digital portal through which Piers Morgan was able to clamber back into the human race, aided by his oddly endearing use of the word ‘twerp’.

“Measures are currently being taken to ensure that Piers Morgan’s temporary veneer of decency loses its sheen as quickly as possible. By Piers Morgan.”

Piers Morgan said: “The second I saw Alex Jones bite her lower lip, you’d better believe I was straight on Twitter, like a virtual rat up a virtual drainpipe.

“Or more precisely a reptile, going up whatever reptiles go up.

“You have to remember that opportunities like this don’t come along too often. I mean, what else other than Clarkson is less beloved than me?

“The sound of fingernails down a blackboard, huge crab-like spiders and Chlamydia, perhaps, none of which is likely to ever make outrageous comments on a family television show.”