Coke-fuelled orgies - now, Britain tells Murdoch

BRITAIN has warned Rupert Murdoch not to put a baby story on the front page of a Sunday tabloid ever again.

As the nation sampled News International’s weird excuse, millions of readers searched through the Sun on Sunday with increasing panic for a quadruple page spread about a famous man who paid dirty women to join him in an afternoon of drugs and fucking.

According to early estimates the paper disappointed more than three million people who had hoped for a quick return to the thrilling tales of vileness that punctuate their pointless, shabby lives.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “When I read the headline ‘My heart stopped for 40 seconds’ I assumed I was in for a Frank Bough-like extravaganza of nauseatingly sordid over-indulgence.

“Instead it was Amanda Holden. Talking about her baby. On a Sunday.”

Roy Hobbs, from Doncaster, added: “I understand this gentler approach is supposed to appeal to my wife. Just so as Mr Murdoch is up to speed, I only got to read the News of the World after my wife had read it first. She liked to smear Nutella on photographs of footballers who had been accused of sex crimes and then lick it off.”

Sheila Hobbs said: “I’m sorry that Amanda Holden had a difficult birth. Actually I’m not. I’m completely indifferent. What I want to know is whether the child was conceived in a tawdry fashion or whether she reckons the father is either Vinnie or Aled Jones.”

She added: “Don’t get me wrong, if they acquire the drug-fuck orgy tales through ethical means then I will be quite delighted.”

Meanwhile, executives at the Guardian stared in the mirror and realised they had played an absolutely pivotal role in helping Rupert Murdoch sack hundreds of workers and then launch a Sunday newspaper that will make even more money than the last one.


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Jobless offered free glimpse into very slightly better future

BRITAIN’S unemployed are being offered the chance to experience what life might be like if they had an extra £7.50 a week.

Ministers insist the controversial scheme will not only give unemployed people the chance to have less free time, but also comes with all the stress of a low-paid job.

The scheme, co-ordinated by employment agency Phone-a-Slave, helps people with no jobs to go and work for a big shop that will not pay them any money.

A government spokesman said: “The initiative is aimed at showing jobseekers that if they are prepared to give up a life of benefits and meaningless boredom for a life of miminum-wage drudgery and boredom, a marginally different and only very fractionally better way of life could be theirs.”

A spokesman for Phone-a-Slave said: “The scheme is proving very popular with businesses that want slaves. It’s very easy, they just phone the 0800 number tell us how many slaves they want and then we send an invoice to Iain Duncan Smith.”

Nathan Muir, 26, an unpaid shelf at Peterborough Tesco, said: “I was unemployed for five years and had resigned myself to giving up my dreams and quietly descending into alcoholism without anyone bothering me.

“But now my dreams could dwindle and die during years of meaningless, hopeless toil, instead.

“The chief executive of Tesco sure is a good massa.”