'Communism now!' screams 13-year-old from Henley-on-Thames

A 13-YEAR-OLD from a posh Home Counties town is demanding full communism for the United Kingdom. 

Julian Cook, who first discovered communism when his father mentioned how much it annoyed him last year, is now a full-fledged Red with a Mao poster on his bedroom wall who tweets as @MarxStan1917.

Wearing a Supreme hoodie and waiting for his mum to pick him up from the cinema, Cook said: “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism. Stalin was misunderstood. Nationalise all property.

“Jeremy Corbyn’s a stooge and a running dog as far as I’m concerned. He’ll be up against the wall with the rest of them once the revolution comes and the people take charge.

“I’ve not really spoken to any of the proletariat yet, but I don’t need to to know what’s best for them. Pol Pot studied in Paris and he was one of the greatest revolutionaries of all time.

“The only thing that went wrong with all the communisms of the past was America bombing them. Otherwise we’d be living in a utopia now, instead of this hellscape where I haven’t even got a car.”

Cook’s Key Stage 3 comrades agree that the only way forward is under a British version of Maoism, a theory they discuss while eating Waitrose blue corn organic tortilla chips and playing Fortnite.

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Bald man told to stop wearing woolly hat now

A BALD man has been gently informed that it is too warm for him to continue wearing a woolly hat, especially indoors. 

Tom Logan, who lost all his hair before the end of his twenties and is totally cool about that, habitually wears a woolly hat from the beginning of October to the end of February but is attempting to ignore the unseasonably warm weather.

Colleague Francesca Ryan said: “It’s spring. It’s 16 degrees out. The time has come.

“Yeah, I guess your head does suffer more from the cold than ours, but come on, Tom. We can see it getting soaked in sweat. It’s not working.

“We haven’t forgotten you’re bald over the last few months. It’s not going to come as a shock to us. We promise we’ll still pity-flirt.”

Logan said: “The cool spring air does feel good flowing over my hairless scalp. Like an awakening. Like freedom.

“Then a pretty girl passes by and I’m at best invisible, more often repulsive, and I need my comfort hat again.”