Dad explaining 'facts of life' drowning in sports metaphors

A FATHER trying to explain the ‘facts of life’ to his son is hoplessly confusing him with metaphors about ‘getting one in the back of the net’ and ‘slam dunks’.

Retail manager Stephen Malley decided that the time was right for a frank talk about sex with son Archie, but instead found himself comparing acts of love and intimacy to a League Two play-off between Swindon Town and Morecambe.

Malley said: “We began with consent. That went fine, but then I compared foreplay to building up play from midfield with incisive passes, which to be fair isn’t entirely inaccurate.

“But from there I just fell into a mess of strange analogies that sounded like a horrific hybrid of hardcore pornography and Grandstand.

“I was bandying around phrases like ‘covering all bases’, ‘changing ends’ and ‘fumbling the ball’. At one stage I mentioned ‘batting on a sticky wicket’, which I’m fairly sure was me alluding to homosexuality.

“I know I concluded by saying ‘And, of course, away goals count double,’ before staring at the floor and muttering ‘What?’ to myself. But anyway it’s done now.”

Archie Malley said: “So that’s sport and sex ruined forever. Thanks Dad.”

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Second referendum could divide Britain, say f**kwits

A SECOND Brexit referendum could leave Britain hopelessly divided in bitter, entrenched opposition, warn idiots who have noticed nothing since 2016. 

The arseholes, who have apparently spent the last two-and-a-half years in a sensory deprivation tank, believe a second referendum could cause Brexiters to threaten riots and Remainers to lose faith in democracy altogether.

Nathan Muir of Warwick said: “Do we want to see a country where whole families are rent apart in violent opposition about Europe? Because there’s a real danger that could happen.

“And politically, we could find our two-party system hijacked by radical extremists on both the left and the right, with tradition and consensus trampled underfoot and Parliament paralysed. Is that what we need right now?

“There’s even a risk of the United Kingdom itself splitting up. Imagine a situation where Scotland and, say, Northern Ireland vote Remain but England votes Leave. What would happen?

“No, our duty to each other is to accept the entirely uncontentious result of the 2016 referendum as a united country, with mutual respect, understanding and good faith. As we have.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Yeah, Nathan thinks we don’t know he’s Brexit.”