A FATHER trying to explain the ‘facts of life’ to his son is hoplessly confusing him with metaphors about ‘getting one in the back of the net’ and ‘slam dunks’.
Retail manager Stephen Malley decided that the time was right for a frank talk about sex with son Archie, but instead found himself comparing acts of love and intimacy to a League Two play-off between Swindon Town and Morecambe.
Malley said: “We began with consent. That went fine, but then I compared foreplay to building up play from midfield with incisive passes, which to be fair isn’t entirely inaccurate.
“But from there I just fell into a mess of strange analogies that sounded like a horrific hybrid of hardcore pornography and Grandstand.
“I was bandying around phrases like ‘covering all bases’, ‘changing ends’ and ‘fumbling the ball’. At one stage I mentioned ‘batting on a sticky wicket’, which I’m fairly sure was me alluding to homosexuality.
“I know I concluded by saying ‘And, of course, away goals count double,’ before staring at the floor and muttering ‘What?’ to myself. But anyway it’s done now.”
Archie Malley said: “So that’s sport and sex ruined forever. Thanks Dad.”