Play Facebook Smugness Bingo!

ARE you putting enough insufferable posts about your perfect life on Facebook? Eyes down for a game of Facebook smugness bingo!

Big house!

Have you got a big house? Put every single room on Facebook, with the self-deprecating quip ‘It’s going to take a lot of hoovering!’ Not really, you have a cleaner.

Your amazing child!

What have they achieved recently? Grade 4 flute? Mild praise from teacher? Learning a new lip trick on their skateboard? If it’s likely to make others sigh and murmur ‘oh fuck right off’, that’s a win.

Loved-up relationship! 

Date night? Carpet-bomb your Facebook page with insanely happy, cheek-to-cheek selfies, but for maximum smugness include…

Nauseating declaration of love! 

Something along the lines of: ‘I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am that this smart, beautiful, incredible woman is my world,’ will have everyone hammering the Like button to make you go away.

Career success! 

Bluntly stating your six-figure salary is a bit gauche, so try things like ‘Work trip to New York hashtag wow!’ or ‘Next time I have a book launch, keep me away from the champagne!’

Unforgettable holiday!

The pyramids and African safaris are great, but pompous, hackneyed comments like ‘So tragic that we’re hunting these beautiful creatures to extinction!’ will leave everyone sincerely hoping the next thing that cheetah did was claw your arm off.

Checking in somewhere extremely expensive!

Does everybody need to know your whereabouts in case of emergency every time you’re seeing Drake at the O2? Check in!

Full house? Congratulations! You’re a twat!

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Dickhead manages to get sunburnt in February

AN utter dickhead has achieved the rare feat of being badly sunburnt in Britain in February.

Tom Booker of Margate is proudly sporting the earliest cherry-red forehead, nose and neck in a calendar year since records began.

He said: “I saw the sun was shining in a cloudless sky and thought, ‘Oi oi, I think I could do myself some serious damage here.’

“Began at 9am mowing the lawn, then I was in the beer garden at the King Edward at opening time, then I settled down in a deckchair in the back garden to sleep the afternoon away.

“I’m not saying it was easy – there’s a bloody nip in the air still – but I’m now sporting a proud Englishman’s sunburn all over. You should see my face. Like a heat lamp it is.

“I reckon I can do the same in November, if the weather keeps its end up. Sunburnt 10 months of the year without even living in Spain.”

Booker added: “Global warming? Don’t make me laugh. Load of bollocks, that is.”