ARE you putting enough insufferable posts about your perfect life on Facebook? Eyes down for a game of Facebook smugness bingo!
Big house!
Have you got a big house? Put every single room on Facebook, with the self-deprecating quip ‘It’s going to take a lot of hoovering!’ Not really, you have a cleaner.
Your amazing child!
What have they achieved recently? Grade 4 flute? Mild praise from teacher? Learning a new lip trick on their skateboard? If it’s likely to make others sigh and murmur ‘oh fuck right off’, that’s a win.
Loved-up relationship!
Date night? Carpet-bomb your Facebook page with insanely happy, cheek-to-cheek selfies, but for maximum smugness include…
Nauseating declaration of love!
Something along the lines of: ‘I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am that this smart, beautiful, incredible woman is my world,’ will have everyone hammering the Like button to make you go away.
Career success!
Bluntly stating your six-figure salary is a bit gauche, so try things like ‘Work trip to New York hashtag wow!’ or ‘Next time I have a book launch, keep me away from the champagne!’
Unforgettable holiday!
The pyramids and African safaris are great, but pompous, hackneyed comments like ‘So tragic that we’re hunting these beautiful creatures to extinction!’ will leave everyone sincerely hoping the next thing that cheetah did was claw your arm off.
Checking in somewhere extremely expensive!
Does everybody need to know your whereabouts in case of emergency every time you’re seeing Drake at the O2? Check in!
Full house? Congratulations! You’re a twat!
