Complaining bastard seeks flaw in eBay purchase

A SERIAL complainer is hoping to find something wrong with a second-hand item purchased from the internet.

Moaning fucker Norman Steele paid £4 for vinyl copy of Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours album, which on first inspection is disappointingly satisfactory.

He said: “I buy a lot of old stuff online, and I complain about all of it. It’s my hobby.

“Usually people offer me a full refund just to get me out of their hair, but even then I will keep fucking moaning on about the principle of the thing and try to get them banned from the relevant website.

“Even if the item is only a couple of quid I will find fault and pursue the seller in the most dogged manner, as if they have done me a grievous personal wrong.”

Steele grudgingly admitted that the record appeared to be in ‘excellent’ condition as per its description, but has paid £4,000 for a full forensic test that should reveal the tiniest flaw.

He said: “I’m sure there are some stray skin particles in the grooves that will affect playback quality in a way that is completely unacceptable.

“Failing that I can just snap it in half and say it wasn’t packed properly.”

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Santa shaves beard to distance himself from hipsters

FATHER Christmas has shaved off his beard following concerns about its hipster connotations.

The Lapland-based gift distributor has shaved his facial hair down to a grey stubble and ditched his red-and-white uniform for a casual button-down shirt and Dockers cargo pants.

Santa said: “Even men in car adverts have beards these days, so it was high time to get the razor out. I think I’m entitled to a change after 5,000 years or whatever it is.

“I’m going to start wearing normal clothes too, there’s something weirdly camp about a red fur ensemble, plus it is very sweaty.

“Basically I realised that I looked like a twat.”