JOHN Lewis staff will tell customers how they achieve sexual bliss, in a bid to boost Christmas sales.
After Robert Dyas answered questions about sexuality that no-one asked, a host of other stores have joined the retail sex truth bandwagon.
Currys warned its customers that they do not like it when you do that thing you think it likes, while PC World stressed that what they did that one time while drunk in Lanzarote will never happen again.
Shopper Margaret Hollis said: “I’d barely set foot in Asda this morning when a nice young man talked me through something called a ‘Belgian Moustache’.
“I won’t repeat what it involves, but I have crossed peanut butter off my shopping list.”
Between now and Christmas John Lewis deliveries will include a drawing of where their legs go and when to use a sex swing. Meanwhile window displays are being hastily rearranged into erotic festive tableaux.
A spokesman said: “We’re changing our slogan from ‘Never Knowingly Undersold’ to ‘Massive Fan of Ball Gags’.”