John Lewis staff announce favourite sexual positions

JOHN Lewis staff will tell customers how they achieve sexual bliss, in a bid to boost Christmas sales.

After Robert Dyas answered questions about sexuality that no-one asked, a host of other stores have joined the retail sex truth bandwagon.

Currys warned its customers that they do not like it when you do that thing you think it likes, while PC World stressed that what they did that one time while drunk in Lanzarote will never  happen again.

Shopper Margaret Hollis said: “I’d barely set foot in Asda this morning when a nice young man talked me through something called a ‘Belgian Moustache’.

“I won’t repeat what it involves, but I have crossed peanut butter off my shopping list.”

Between now and Christmas John Lewis deliveries will include a drawing of where their legs go and when to use a sex swing. Meanwhile window displays are being hastily rearranged into erotic festive tableaux.

A spokesman said: “We’re changing our slogan from ‘Never Knowingly Undersold’ to ‘Massive Fan of Ball Gags’.”

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Climate change sceptic is fine with all other science

A DIEHARD global warming sceptic is happy to believe in all the other types of science, it has emerged.

Retired accountant Norman Steele believes climate change is a lie, yet fully accepts other types of science such as physics, medicine and the various technologies that enable him to fly to Spain on holiday.

Wife Emma said: “I’ve never seen him trying to disprove chemistry or claim Einstein was just into relativity for the money.

“He spends hours on the internet finding obscure studies that seem to contradict global warming, but he’s perfectly happy to watch our TV without incontrovertible evidence that it works from the scientists at Samsung.

“And when he went into hospital for an operation recently he didn’t accuse the doctors of being part of a conspiracy to make money out of ingrowing toenails.”

She added: “Norman must really be interested in climate science though, because if you wasted your life studying temperature graphs just so you could moan about it on the internet, that would make you a total fucking arse.”