Idiot band just in it for the music

SOME stupid teenagers have formed a band with no clear business plan or marketing strategy.

17-year-old Tom Logan and his three friends gather in his parents’ garage to play music that is not even targeted at a particular demographic. The band also does not have muscular bodies, backing dancers or a professionally-designed logo that can be printed on a range of merchandise.

Logan’s father Brian said: “I’ve tried sitting them down in front of The X Factor and saying ‘this is how music works’, but they just say it’s ‘fucking shit’. What can you do with kids like that?

“They just plug in their instruments and playing random things for their own amusement, as if music isn’t just another extension of the modern corporate world.

“They don’t have any career plan and one of their songs has ‘ballbags’ in the title which immediately excludes it from Radio One airplay. It’s annoying as they could be fairly good-looking if they took a course of prescription acne drugs.

“Maybe they just need to mature a bit and then become a quartet of sexy commercial opera singers.”

However Tom Logan said: “Our band is called either Maniac Dog Turd or 16-Bit Psycho Cops, depending on the day of the week, and our dream is to live in a party squat full of overflowing ashtrays.”

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Weekly five-a-side game ruined by man who can play football

A FIVE-A-SIDE football match has been marred by the presence of a man who is able to control the ball and shoot.

Suspicions arose almost immediately when the player laced up his fancy boots and embarked on an elaborate warm-up.

Hapless regular Martin Bishop said: “I’ve no idea who this guy was or who invited him, but he won’t be coming back.

“He may have scored 12 goals, including a Maradona-esque run past every player on the field, but he didn’t impress anyone with his use of both feet.”

Bishop added: “We’re just a group of good lads who enjoy thrashing a ball around, making vain, clumsy attempts to pass it and yelling meaningless, cliched instructions.

“I felt pretty embarrassed for him when he nutmegged me for the sixth time.”

After the game the regular players wheezed, coughed and arranged to have a pint at a nearby pub, while the mystery goal scorer wandered off while sipping a bottle of Lucozade Sport.