Conversation with barber exactly repeats last one

A MAN’S bi-monthly conversation with his barber was word-for-word the same as the one two months ago.

The 25-minute dialogue covered the cold weather, Chelsea’s dominance in the league and modern music in an exact replication of December’s dialogue.

Warehouse manager Stephen Malley, who has been asking for the same haircut in the same words since his father taught him them 20 years ago, proclaimed himself happy with the haircut, the conversation and the rare opportunity to look at the back of his own head.

He said: “It’s always nice to catch up, and by catch up I mean repeat exactly the same banalities that we’ve been rehearsing for years.

“The pause before he asked about my holiday plans seemed a millisecond longer than usual, but like a true professional he appeared to remember absolutely nothing of what I’d told him last time.

“I’m already looking forward to doing it all again in April.”

Barber Wayne Hayes said: “I dunno. I was happy with it, but I wonder about sticking to my tried-and-true set as opposed to trying some fresh material.

“Just sometimes I’d like to talk about quantum entanglement or dogs.”

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The Mash guide to tax evasion

From the highest in the land to alcoholic derelicts sleeping in shop doorways, everyone evades tax and has tacit government approval to do so.

But what are the most popular ways to cheat the taxman?

— Pretend your home is your shed, your shed is your home, the dog is your landlord and you pay a £1,565pa tax-deductible service charge for picking up his waste. Keep each one in case of an audit.

— Make yourself into a corporation by adding Holdings Ltd to the end of your name, wearing a glass office block costume whenever out in public and replying to every human interaction with “I’ll have to send that through channels.”

— Friends in high places go a long way with HMRC. Invite Lord Fink to a party, or if he’s not available try his colleagues Lord Ratbastard or Lord Stoolie.

— Non-domiciled status is for the little people. Claim your permanent residence is a container ship perpetually circling the earth, and that any sightings of you in the UK are a remotely-controlled hologram.

— If you refuse to use any public services, it’s illegal to make you pay tax. Join BUPA, have your children educated privately, and travel on a secret network of unpaved back roads only known to hobos.

— Remember, tax evasion is graded in ice-cream flavours. Vanilla is fine, Raspberry Ripple is charmingly retro, Chocolate Fudge Brownie carries the risk of prison time and Bone Marrow with Bourbon Smoked Cherries means termination with extreme prejudice.