INTO your third decade of existence? Brace yourself for these disappointments, which are also rites of passage:
As inevitable as death and taxes. Getting off your arse and running for 26.2 miles – or at least considering it – is a sure sign you’re wrestling with the first stages of a mid-life crisis, but at least you’re being proactive about it. By the time you reach your 40s you’ll ditch marathons for hardcore shit like escorts and cars that don’t suit you. They’re easier on your body.
Kids or divorce or both
Having kids while you’re relatively young sounds like a good idea because you’ll still have the energy. Then when you have them you’ll realise that nobody has the stamina to cope with endless shrieking, shitting and running about. The strain of raising children may also introduce you to a new, very grown-up experience: divorce.
Conversations about mortgages
Listening to people debate the merits of fixed rate APRs or whinge about stamp duty is a bleak, joyless prospect. These conversations are made even worse because they involve sums of money you can only dream of. Instead, your mortgage chats will mainly involve your parents nagging you about why you haven’t got one yet. It’s easy, Kirstie Allsopp said so.
You haven’t been to the dentist since your teens because you thought your body was indestructible. How wrong you were. After braving a routine check-up due to a mild toothache, you’ll find yourself booked in for half a dozen fillings and a couple of root canals. They’re relatively painless because dentistry has come a long way, but the bill is still agonising.
Achieving a lingering sense of numb boredom
The uninhibited fun of your 20s is over, and the naive enthusiasm of your childhood is a distant memory. In their place will be a nagging sense of emotionless boredom, as if you’ve realised your life is short, meaningless and unremarkable. Enjoy it while you can, because this feeling is a joyride compared to the despair of middle age.