GOURMET restaurants and fancy dinner parties are for people with friends. Here’s what’s on the menu for those who always eat alone:
Is it made of reconstituted horse? Is it grown in a lab? Is it fit for human consumption? Nobody knows, but if you’ve been brought so low by life that you’re prepared to eat one, you probably don’t care. Next time you cook one, take a good long look at yourself in the microwave door and ask if you could have made better choices.
A packet of wafer-thin ham
Standing in the cold glow of the fridge light mindlessly shoving an entire packet of ham into your gob does not constitute a good meal, no matter what you tell yourself about the importance of getting enough protein. It’s not the keto diet, it’s a tragic lack of self-respect.
The same leftovers for the fifth night running
People complain marriage is monotonous, but have they ever tried making a large bolognese, putting it in a Tupperware box and then spending a week miserably ladling out a portion each night? After five nights in a row the sight of those carefully chopped carrot chunks will make you want to throw up.
Beige freezer medley
If you have no significant other, you also have no one to judge you for eating the dregs of the freezer in place of a balanced meal. Fill your plate with entirely beige foods, including potato waffles, chicken nuggets, chips and onion rings, and then enjoy a rock-solid beige bowel movement two days later.
If you can’t be arsed to rouse yourself from your lonely torpor to create something vaguely resembling a decent dinner, then several bags of crisps will at the very least stop you from fainting. Kid yourself that a bag of rosemary and sea salt kettle chips is fancy and means you haven’t entirely given up on yourself, before getting into bed with some scampi fries and having a big sob.