Rustler's microwave burgers and other quick meals for the lonely and desperate

GOURMET restaurants and fancy dinner parties are for people with friends. Here’s what’s on the menu for those who always eat alone:

Rustler’s burger

Is it made of reconstituted horse? Is it grown in a lab? Is it fit for human consumption? Nobody knows, but if you’ve been brought so low by life that you’re prepared to eat one, you probably don’t care. Next time you cook one, take a good long look at yourself in the microwave door and ask if you could have made better choices.

A packet of wafer-thin ham

Standing in the cold glow of the fridge light mindlessly shoving an entire packet of ham into your gob does not constitute a good meal, no matter what you tell yourself about the importance of getting enough protein. It’s not the keto diet, it’s a tragic lack of self-respect.

The same leftovers for the fifth night running

People complain marriage is monotonous, but have they ever tried making a large bolognese, putting it in a Tupperware box and then spending a week miserably ladling out a portion each night? After five nights in a row the sight of those carefully chopped carrot chunks will make you want to throw up.

Beige freezer medley

If you have no significant other, you also have no one to judge you for eating the dregs of the freezer in place of a balanced meal. Fill your plate with entirely beige foods, including potato waffles, chicken nuggets, chips and onion rings, and then enjoy a rock-solid beige bowel movement two days later.

Just crisps

If you can’t be arsed to rouse yourself from your lonely torpor to create something vaguely resembling a decent dinner, then several bags of crisps will at the very least stop you from fainting. Kid yourself that a bag of rosemary and sea salt kettle chips is fancy and means you haven’t entirely given up on yourself, before getting into bed with some scampi fries and having a big sob.

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Snakebite, and other favourite cocktails of UK teenagers

FORGET martinis and mojitos, these are the vile concoctions generations of British teenagers have used to get tanked:

Cheeky Vimto

Charlotte Church has a lot to answer for, in terms of both her music and popularising this monstrosity. It combines two substances that should not go within a country mile of each other to create something that allegedly tastes likes Vimto, and gets you utterly shitfaced.

To make: Pour two measures of cheap port into a glass and fill to the brim with WKD Blue. Drink several in quick succession, then vomit on your shoes.

Snakebite and black

This classic mixes two types of nasty alcohol into a disgusting concoction, then attempts to rescue itself with a dash of cordial, which just makes everything worse. Still, it’s cheap and makes you very drunk.

To make: Mix half a pint of warm lager with half a pint of piss-poor cider and add a squirt of Ribena. It tastes like alcoholic vinegar and looks like the urine of Satan.

Cheap vodka and neat orange squash

None of your Smirnoff here, please. We’re talking about Asda own-brand vodka that tastes like it’s made of nail varnish remover and probably is. Top with a dash of orange squash to take the edge off.

To make: Fill a tall glass two-thirds full with vodka. Add a splash of neat orange squash. Sip slowly and try to keep it down, even though you know you’ll be seeing it all on again your mate’s parents’ patio in about two hours time.

Parents’ drink cabinet mix

A carefully curated cocktail made with small amounts from each bottle in the cabinet so they won’t notice, plus a massive dash of something from right at the back that they never drink and won’t miss.

To make: A modest measure each of whisky, gin, vodka, rum and Malibu, topped up with generous amounts of Cointreau, Advocat and something lethal your dad brought back from a trip to Latvia in 1996.

Party minesweep

If you didn’t have enough pocket money to buy your own booze for a party, you could simply drink the dregs of everyone else’s that was left lying around. Disgusting, but it worked.

To make: Drink anything left in any glass, to create a cocktail in your stomach made up of 20 per cent lager, cider, cheap wine and Smirnoff Ice, and 80 per cent backwash.