Corbyn supporter unveils plan to get over himself

A CORBYN fan has announced plans to get over how amazingly right he was within the next 18 months. 

Tom Logan, who voted for Corbyn in both leadership elections and is now suffused with a pure and virtuous glow, unveiled his three-stage timetable to stop being insufferably smug yesterday.

He said: “I was right and everyone else was wrong. Let’s underline that first.

“I believe it is realistic to cease lording it over close friends and family like an utter cock within the next six months, though this is an aspiration rather than a binding target.

“Within a year I’ll only be arrogantly pious in the office when relevant to the conversation and I’ll stop humming The Red Flag on trains.

“And by 18 months’ time I hope to finally have stopped abusing strangers for ever having doubted the Decent One on Twitter. Though two years is probably more realistic.”

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Last Friday wasn’t about young people, it was about self-satisfied Mac owners who work in open plan offices. It’s enough to make you toss your vote away on the Lib Dems.”

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DUP vows to end May's wild party lifestyle

THE Democratic Unionists plan to end Theresa May’s hedonistic party lifestyle and turn her into a decent God-fearing Christian, they have announced.

Visiting DUP politicians were shocked by May’s depraved activities, including keeping alcohol in the house, dressing immodestly and watching pornographic TV programmes like Poldark.

MP Arlene Foster said: “May has been seduced by the fleshly temptations of the big city, so we’ve decided to stay until we get her back on the straight and narrow.

“This morning we woke her up at 6am for a good long prayer session. Not your namby-pamby liberal prayers, the proper Christian ones where you ask God to murder your enemies.

“Then it was Bible study. May said she was needed in a meeting but I said not until we’d finished my favourite Old Testament story where Shem’s wife gets turned into wood for picking figs while menstruating.

“While she was busy we burned all her tart’s shoes. She was furious but if she wants our votes she’ll have to wear a pair of plain black Clarks Commandos.

“Tonight we’re going to show her how much fun you can have with a glass of squash and a good Ian Paisley speech about papists.”