Weasel really relates to Michael Gove

A WEASEL feels he can really identify with Michael Gove.

Weasel Tom Booker claims there is something about the newly appointed environment secretary that makes him feel they would get along.

Booker said: “Gove’s my kind of guy. I can just imagine him sneaking into a chicken shed through a tiny gap under the door, stealing all the eggs and then killing the hens even though he isn’t going to eat them.

“There’s no other human that I feel that sort of weasel kinship with.

“Gove even looks like he might be part ferret. Apparently when threatened he releases a pungent chemical from his anal glands as a kind of defence mechanism.

“And he sleeps in a small box lined with straw.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Inflation rises because Tories have f**ked up everything all at once

INFLATION is at almost three per cent because the Conservative government has fucked up the economy, public services and Brexit simultaneously. 

Spiralling inflation and a possible recession would normally be considered a crisis needing immediate attention but the government has ordered it to the back of a long queue. 

Tory chairman Patrick McLoughlin said: “Sorry, not now, we’ve got to negotiate with maniacs. 

“And after that we’ve got another negotiation where we’re the maniacs, so you can see we’re a bit busy. 

“Also we’ve got a housing crisis that we haven’t even begun to handle, the NHS is busted, we’re not remotely coping with terrorism and don’t mention education. That’s such a mess we’ll have to give the kids a year off and start again. 

“It is remarkable how there is not one area of policy where we have not fucked up, and how they’re all reaching crisis point at once. I’d like to see another party manage that.”