Guardiola to guest-edit FourFourTwo and rename it OneTen

PEP Guardiola is to guest-edit football magazine FourFourTwo and change its name to OneTen, it has emerged.

Guardiola, whose managerial style is likened to tossing a swarm of midfielders onto the pitch and hoping, will take over the magazine next week once he’s completed the £30 million signing of a Brazilian central midfielder you’ve never heard of. 

Guardiola said: “I was very successful in my time in Spain with QuatroQuatroSgorio so I’m hoping to bring some of that to Britain.”

After Guardiola, the magazine will feature other guest editors including David Moyes who will rename it JustGettheFuckingBalltoDefoe.

Current FourFourTwo editor Tom Logan said: “We were also hoping to bring in Sam Allardyce to edit an issue. Then we realised no one likes Sam Allardyce so decided against it.”

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Single mum excited that austerity over and good times now rolling

A SINGLE mother is celebrating the end of austerity and is excited for the affluent times ahead.

Following Theresa May’s announcement that austerity is now over, 28-year-old Nikki Hollis decided to give the food bank a miss this week.

Hollis said: “I was think of going down to ask for some canned vegetables to keep my kids alive, but now that everything’s fine again I thought I would go to Waitrose instead.

“I’ve just booked a holiday in Monaco.”

Minimum wage worker Wayne Hayes said: “’Austerity’ has been a good description of my living situation for over a decade so I’m glad it not longer even exists as a concept.

“I’m looked forward to getting home tonight and finding all my shit knackered stuff has been magically replaced with fancy things.”