Couple build dream home for nightmare lifestyle

AN AFFLUENT couple have created an amazing house in which to do tedious things with their awful friends, they have revealed.

Stephen Malley and wife Sara worked with an architect to create the perfect space for doing things no one enjoys, like discussing personal finance and playing boules.

Corporate accountant Sara said: “We’ve opted for a vast dining area with a spiral staircase and a wild oak table. It’s pointless but will impress our friend Rory who only talks about money and rugby.

“There’s also an alcove thing where we can have tapas with other dreary pseudo-friends like Peter and Romilly, who I would not piss on if they were on fire.

“We’re converting the basement into a sad parody of a pub with cask ales and a retro jukebox. It’s going to be great for socialising with people we have no real emotional connection to.”

Husband Stephen said: “I can’t wait to hang out around the boule pit with Lukas and Sophie, or any of the other business contacts I pretend are my friends.

“We’re planning some great dinner parties, but more importantly when guests need to urinate they’ll be impressed by the automatic toilet seats that lift up like magic.

“Obviously I would swap all of this for having a single real friend in the world.”

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ITV to replace Champions League with footage of people laughing as they illegally stream matches

ITV is to replace Champions League matches with footage of laughing people who are illegally streaming the matches without signing up for BT sports.

The broadcaster lost the rights to show the games after BT paid £1.2 billion for them. Instead of the matches, it will show footage of smug-looking men who have figured out they can watch the Champions League for free with a bit of fiddling about on the internet.

Fan Tom Booker said: “Weirdly I don’t feel a massive amount of loyalty to either an internet provider or a soulless sporting behemoth.

“If BT wants to charge people a shitload to watch the games and the Champions League wants to charge BT a huge amount to screen them, that’s up to them.

“Personally I consider that behaviour morally questionable. Perhaps even more morally questionable than illegally streaming the games I want to watch.

“To be honest, something tells me no one’s going hungry because I’m watching the Champions League for free.”