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Couple buying £500k house really need that 15 grand from Rishi Sunak

A COUPLE about to spend half a million pounds on a house say life would be impossible without their gift of £15,000 from Rishi Sunak. 

Eleanor and Richard Shaw are deeply grateful for the freeze on stamp duty, describing it as a ‘lifesaver’, and have vowed to spend the money on nice things for their sickeningly large home. 

Chartered accountant Eleanor said: “With so much uncertainty about the economy, it makes all the difference to know we can buy some really expensive taps. 

“And a summer house for the garden. We’re not going to fritter all the money on the house though – we’ll probably buy lots of wine and Waitrose food, then put the rest in the bank.

“I dread to think what would have happened if this money hadn’t come through just in time. We might have had to dip into one of our savings accounts.”

Small business owner Richard said: “I feel sorry for renters who won’t be getting this support from the government, but they’ll be getting a fantastic deal at Nando’s, so what’s their problem?

“I’m just relieved the money is there to help us survive these difficult times. I don’t think I could live without a koi carp pond.” 

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Is your relationship completely mental?

ARE you worried that your relationship is abnormally weird and chaotic? Take our test and find out if you need to split up immediately.

How do you like to spend time with your partner?

A) Snuggling up in front of the TV or a romantic walk.

B) Burning their clothes and throwing a chair through the lounge window.

Do you have a special restaurant you visit?

A) Yes. There’s a lovely Thai restaurant we went to when we started dating.

B) No. We can never visit any restaurant more than once because we do that shit thing of having a blazing row then both turning on the manager or any customer who politely asks us to shout less loudly.

How do you get on with your partner’s friends?

A) I’m happy to say many of them are now genuine friends of mine too.

B) Those scum weasels are all just trying to f**k him/her. I’ve got their number – and I’m calling it now to threaten to come after them with a baseball bat.

What is the nicest thing you’ve done recently for your partner?

A) A surprise weekend break in Dublin, which they’d always wanted to visit.

B) Not hurling their mobile phone out of the window because I was jealous of them talking to someone else.

How do you move on from arguments? 

A) By taking 10 minutes out, talking the issue through calmly and finding a compromise.

B) By climbing on the roof while incredibly pissed, threatening to jump off and screaming “You rancid old bitch!” at a neighbour who reasonably points out it’s 3am again.

Where do you see your relationship in the long-term?

A) We’re taking it slowly and if we’re right for each other, maybe marriage.

B) I’m proposing tomorrow in our usual impetuous, unthinking way, then we’ll have a row and I’ll demand the ring back and swallow it for some unknown reason. 

Mostly As: Your relationship is almost entirely without mentalness. You are happy but a bit abnormal.

Mostly Bs: Jesus, get the f**k out of this toxic relationship NOW. And become a celibate nun or monk so normal people won’t have to put up with your crap.

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