Couple leaving 'honeymoon phase' realise they have no friends left

A NEW couple just leaving the ‘honeymoon phase’ of their relationship are realising that they have no friends left.

The whirlwind romance between Nikki Hollis and Stephen Malley began two months ago, during which time they have managed to completely alienate everyone they know.

Hollis, 24, said: “It has been an unspeakably wonderful eight weeks – it felt a bit like being on drugs. But it’s starting to wear off now and I need to talk to someone who doesn’t refer to me as ‘my princess’.

“I’ve messaged all my mates but no one is getting back to me. I’m not sure why.”

She added: “It’s not like I ditched them, me and Paul were at Karen’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, although now I think about it, we did spend most of the night on our own in the corner, then we went and had sex in the disabled toilets.”

Malley said: “I’ve hit up my mates in our group chat, but it’s radio silence, which is weird.

“I know they don’t have a problem with Nikki, because I’ve brought her along to every night at the pub for weeks now. Maybe something is wrong with my phone.”

Malley remains unaware that his friends have migrated to a new group chat called Shut The F*ck Up, Love-Wankers, in which they shit-talk the nauseating couple on a daily basis.

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Duchess of Sussex orders it moved to California

MEGHAN Windsor, the Duchess of Sussex, has outlined plans to move the county to just off the coast of California.

The former Suits actress has told friends that while she likes Sussex the weather is rather changeable and it is too close to her in-laws for her to properly relax.

A palace insider said: “The plan is to saw along the county boundary, attach it to a few of the Navy’s stronger battleships and simply tow it across the Atlantic.

“Harry’s all for it – he went to Afghanistan just to get away from his family, let’s not forget – because he understands marriage is about compromise.

“England won’t miss it, it’s only a little sideways scoop from the bottom, and it’ll hugely boost house prices in newly-coastal Surrey so the government can’t oppose it without alienating their core voters.

“And finally Brighton will be just across the water from its big brother San Francisco like it always wanted. It’s a visionary move.”

Bognor Regis resident Mary Fisher said: “Well, I suppose it’ll make a nice change from staring out to sea and hating the French.”