Middle class couple forced to make 'Sophie's choice' between wood burner and SUV

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are making an agonising decision about whether to continue poisoning the air with their stove or their massive vehicle.

Concerned about a new report on air pollution, ‘eco-conscious’ Nikki Hollis and Martin Bishop have been forced into choosing between their wood burner and their Range Rover, which are also their two favourite boasting topics.

Bishop said: “The SUV makes me feel more virile than my friends who drive small, sensible hatchbacks, whilst the wood burning stove is just the ultimate for showing off that we’ve got more money and taste than them.”

Hollis said: “I’d hate to see the Range go so maybe we could reduce our household carbon footprint but putting one of the kids up for adoption.

“We have three kids by the way. We pretended the third one was an accident but he’s actually just a status symbol to illustrate how fruitful we are.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Is being a cougar still a thing? Because if so, I'm pretty sure I am one

by Mary Fisher, cougar

YOU may have heard about cougars, it was quite a big thing a few years ago.

We’re attractive middle-aged women who pursue younger men. Are you familiar with that concept? Cougars were a pretty huge deal around 2013 but I’m fairly sure there’s room in the world for another article about us.

So…I’m a successful, 47-year-old HR manager, and I drive around in an Audi TT with a personalised license plate that says ‘2HOT’. Since my divorce I’m having a big sexual renaissance and younger men cannot resist my confidence and experience in the ‘boudoir’.

No! Don’t stop reading yet! Don’t you want to hear about how I’m still very sensual, keep in shape with daily pilates and how wine bars are my ‘hunting ground’?

Fucking hell, everyone loved this shit a few years ago. It was cougars this and cougars that. I got my picture taken twice for the Daily Mail, standing in a row with some other woman under the headlines ‘COUGARS ON THE PROWL’ and ‘ROAR! BEWARE THE COUGAR PACK’.

Cougars were an important cultural moment, probably on a par with the invention of the printing press, and now nobody cares about all the amazing sex we’re having. What about if I re-brand myself as a ‘she-wolf’? Or say ‘I’m coming after your husband next’?

Oh come on. She-wolf is pretty good. No? Well, I guess you’ve read to the end of this now anyway.

By the way, I’ve also written two screenplays, they’re called Cougar and Cougar 2: Revenge of the Cougar and if you’re interested you can email me at [email protected]