Couple stuck in passive-aggressive tit-for-tat wedding invite nightmare

A COUPLE are obliged to invite people they do not like to their wedding simply because they have previously watched them get married.

Tom Logan and Eleanor Shaw have finalised their wedding guest list based largely on weddings they have already attended, regardless of whether they actually want those couples to be there or not.

Shaw said: “Dan from work invited us to his wedding at the last moment and ignored us the whole time we were there, so we have to invite them because that’s how it works. Which sucks.

“We’re also inviting an uncle I hate, Eleanor’s mum’s friend from zumba classes, and a couple whose wedding we went to four years ago who are now divorced, which will add a lovely edge of tension and misery to our special occasion.

“This is meant to be our day. But instead I’m spending hundreds of pounds on people I barely know in any other context simply because I saw them get married so they have to see us do the same.

“Would our wedding not be real if it wasn’t witnessed by other recently married couples? When will this nightmare end?”

Guest Julian Cook said: “Oh great, now we’ve got to spend all weekend at their bloody wedding just because they came to ours. When will this nightmare end?”

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How to accept you're a 'family festival' person now

DID you used to get blitzed on drugs at festivals, but now take your kids to the ones with craft tents and puppet shows? Here’s how to cope: 

Get used to insipid music

No more Orbital for you, chum; instead it’s ukulele bands called things like The Woodfolk Singers who tell stories between songs. Develop a tolerance for bland toss by only listening to daytime Radio 2.

Downgrade your drugs stash

Es and weed can go straight down the toilet. Your family-friendly drug stash will now consist of Junior Disprol, Tums for Kids, Calpol and enough valium to get you through another day of shrieking little bastards.

Expect learning activities

Family festivals are painfully middle class, so expect workshops on basket weaving and eco-friendly tie-dyeing. Leave a project ‘drying out’ at every tent and never return for it.

Prepare for eclectic headliners

Stormzy? Foo Fighters? Uh-uh. The headliners of your festivals will be whoever said yes, so get ready to watch The Wedding Present and Voice of the Beehive in a field near Swindon full of Waitrose customers.

Forget sex

For a start you’ll be with your partner and they, like every other MILF or DILF, will be permanently exhausted from the punishing regime of shoulder-carrying a five-year-old painted like Pikachu.

Don’t have a midlife crisis 

Don’t try to recapture your lost youth by moshing with terrified four-year-olds in front of a folk band doing ironic Metallica covers. If you feel a mental breakdown coming on, self-medicate with the middle-aged drug known as ‘wine boxes’.