Couple trying for an extension

A COUPLE who have been together for five years have announced plans to try for a home extension.

Tom and Gemma Logan got married eighteen months ago and after getting on the property ladder, they now feel ready to start planning a fuckload of building work on their two bedroom terrace home.

Mr Logan commented: “It was important to both of us that we had some time as a married couple before we embarked on this life-changing construction adventure.

“We know it’s going to turn our lives upside down for a while but it’s going to be worth it the first moment I feel the warmth of the underfloor heating in our new kitchen.

“It’s what life’s all about, you know?”

Mrs Logan added: “We never see our friends who have extensions any more because they’re always ‘too busy’ or the works have swallowed up all their spare cash. But we’re not going to be like that.

“We’re going to make sure we have things to talk about that aren’t just dirty floors and builders waking us up early in the morning.

“It’s bound to change our relationship but I can’t wait to see what kind of extension Tom and I create together.”

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Women much stealthier masturbators than men

WOMEN are much better at secretly masturbating than men, it has been claimed.

Whilst male masturbators are generally about as covert as a shoplifting Morris Dancer, research has shown that women could be at it at pretty much any time.

Professor Henry Brubaker at The Institute for Studies said: “If a woman is in the bath, reading a book in bed or even looking for a shoe under the sofa there’s a strong possibility she’s masturbating.

“Men can’t masturbate in baths for the same reason you can’t start an old lawnmower in a jacuzzi.”

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “The key is being able to multi-task. My male colleagues find it impossible to frot themselves off while compiling a quarterly sales report in Excel.

“Also, their idea of cunning is to look themselves in the disabled toilet for 15 minutes then emerge muttering something about ‘bad prawns’.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Our study suggests that men masturbate much more frequently than women but you have to ask the question, what were women up to when they were filling out the questionnaire?”