Cowell Changing UK Law At Will

SIMON Cowell has announced early release for prisoners who pledge to buy One Direction’s debut CD, as he begins to overhaul Britain’s statute book.

The nation’s most powerful man negotiated the programme with justice secretary Ken Clarke in exchange for a go in the X Factor helicopter and a good chimping from Matt Cardle.

Convicts of all grades will be shipped to their nearest HMV next month, on the as-yet-unconfirmed release date of the boy band’s self-titled album.

They will have the option to purchase the minimum of one CD and a poster, or to return to incarceration but with their beds replaced by a large homosexual filled with angry lust.

Legal expert, Nathan Muir, said: “This will outrage the moral sensibilities of any right-thinking person. But I’ve just checked the latest law books and they appear to contain nothing but pictures of Simon Cowell grinning archly with his arms folded.”

Plumber Nikki Ellis said: “This is bad, but it’s probably just meant to divert us from the really important injustice of Mary Byrne not going through to the final.

“I’m much more angry about that, because I am a self-styled real woman and as such identified closely with her.”

Convicted double murderer Roy Hobbs said: “This is a really good situation for me as I actually like One Direction. Harry is my favourite, He has a cheeky grin and eyes the colour of garnets.”

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Britain to sort it all out with a good fight

A MASSIVE, countrywide fist fight could be the solution to Britain’s problems, experts believe.

As the UK continues to be divided politically, socially and into hostile regions, sociologists believe a giant, consequence-free scrap could actually be beneficial to the national psyche.

Julian Cook of Reading University, said: “There’s nothing like a good punch-up to clear the air of all those lingering resentments. And it’s past time. 

“Whether there’s a serious ongoing family problem or someone’s looked at you funny in a beer garden, statistically 74 per cent of fights end up with participants becoming best mates even if only for a few hours. 

“Britain is beset with economic strife, civil disorder and poor customer service. How much easier would it be if the aggrieved parties could just knock the shit out of each other without tiresome legal ramifications?

“No weapons, just fists, 24 hours duration, and imagine the reconciliation that would follow. Violence is definitely the answer. Especially for the little, niggly things.” 

Former football hooligan Joe Turner said: “I like hitting people. Or, if this is for a Channel 5 documentary, I used to like hitting people but am now a reformed character.

“I would enjoy taking my frustrations with net zero and VAR out on someone. If it’s a graduate enraged by the high interest on their student loans, so much the better.”