SIMON Cowell has announced early release for prisoners who pledge to buy One Direction’s debut CD, as he begins to overhaul Britain’s statute book.
The nation’s most powerful man negotiated the programme with justice secretary Ken Clarke in exchange for a go in the X Factor helicopter and a good chimping from Matt Cardle.
Convicts of all grades will be shipped to their nearest HMV next month, on the as-yet-unconfirmed release date of the boy band’s self-titled album.
They will have the option to purchase the minimum of one CD and a poster, or to return to incarceration but with their beds replaced by a large homosexual filled with angry lust.
Legal expert, Nathan Muir, said: “This will outrage the moral sensibilities of any right-thinking person. But I’ve just checked the latest law books and they appear to contain nothing but pictures of Simon Cowell grinning archly with his arms folded.”
Plumber Nikki Ellis said: “This is bad, but it’s probably just meant to divert us from the really important injustice of Mary Byrne not going through to the final.
“I’m much more angry about that, because I am a self-styled real woman and as such identified closely with her.”
Convicted double murderer Roy Hobbs said: “This is a really good situation for me as I actually like One Direction. Harry is my favourite, He has a cheeky grin and eyes the colour of garnets.”