Cuts Will Cause Lesbian Riots, Say Outreach Workers

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.

The National Association of Community Engagement Professionals has warned that unless their numbers are maintained, massive gay women will start ripping-up post boxes and flinging their own dung at passing school children.

A spokeswoman said: “In an environment of cuts across the wider public sector, we face a period where disaffection, social and industrial tensions may well rise. You don’t want to be adding furious lesbians to that cocktail.

“Without professionally organised, weekly group sessions where vulnerable women can express their sexual desires using free-form poetry and collages made of pasta, they will quickly turn to indiscriminate violence.

“If a highly-lesbianised woman suddenly finds herself in a non-nurturing environment where no-one is staging a women-only version of the Lion King, she will immediately hurl a breeze block through the window of Lakeland.”

She addeed: “Britain needs a large, well-paid force of happy, confident outreach workers to keep it safe from the wild beast that lurks inside each and every lesbian.”

Council-employed gardeners have also demanded protection from cuts insisting the deadliest riots of the last 200 years have been caused by public fury over hastily-edged municipal flower beds.

And local authority press officers warned of widespread social unrest unless there is someone available 24 hours a day to send out a release about the council leader’s visit to a local dry cleaning business that’s doing things differently.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for council road maintenance workers was going to say that cuts to their numbers would lead to riots if Britain’s road network was allowed to deteriorate, before stopping mid-sentence, apologising and admitting that there are some things that just can’t get any shitter.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Secret Miliband Brother Blows Contest Wide Open

THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.

Stryker Miliband made his dramatic intervention yesterday during a press conference by his older brother. Walking onto the podium, he removed a wig and false moustache, looked at the shadow foreign secretary and said: “Surprised to see me David? Well now I’m back and I want what’s mine.”

A senior Labour source said: “Stryker has always been spoken of in hushed terms. We all thought he had been killed in a freak horse riding accident in 1994. It now seems that was all part of his plan.

“As children, David and Ed formed a very close bond and ganged up on Stryker who was their parents’ favourite. When he was 10 they framed him for the murder of a cat and he was sent away to live with some Welsh people.”

But the young Stryker, forced to sharpen knives for a living and tell fortunes for lonely sailors, vowed that one day he would return and claim his birthright.

After working his way through Harvard and the Sorbonne he went on to build a global business empire using a series of fake identities.

He dated models, bought a private jet to fly between his luxury homes in Dubai and the Bahamas and used his impeccable business contacts to ensure both his brothers rose through the Labour Party so that one day he would have the satisfaction of snatching the ultimate victory from their grasp.

The source added: “Stryker is everything you want in a Miliband. He’s handsome, rugged, successful, sporty and charismatic, rather than just some fucking weirdo.

“He also knows how to smile properly, instead of looking like someone who’s just shat themselves.”

The stage is now set for an epic sibling battle filled with intrigue, betrayal and dirty tricks that can only be settled by securing a majority in an electoral college consisting of MPs, trade unions, constituency associations and ordinary and affiliate party members using transferable second preference votes that will be re-allocated if their first choice is eliminated after the first round.

Or blackmail.