OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.
The National Association of Community Engagement Professionals has warned that unless their numbers are maintained, massive gay women will start ripping-up post boxes and flinging their own dung at passing school children.
A spokeswoman said: “In an environment of cuts across the wider public sector, we face a period where disaffection, social and industrial tensions may well rise. You don’t want to be adding furious lesbians to that cocktail.
“Without professionally organised, weekly group sessions where vulnerable women can express their sexual desires using free-form poetry and collages made of pasta, they will quickly turn to indiscriminate violence.
“If a highly-lesbianised woman suddenly finds herself in a non-nurturing environment where no-one is staging a women-only version of the Lion King, she will immediately hurl a breeze block through the window of Lakeland.”
She addeed: “Britain needs a large, well-paid force of happy, confident outreach workers to keep it safe from the wild beast that lurks inside each and every lesbian.”
Council-employed gardeners have also demanded protection from cuts insisting the deadliest riots of the last 200 years have been caused by public fury over hastily-edged municipal flower beds.
And local authority press officers warned of widespread social unrest unless there is someone available 24 hours a day to send out a release about the council leader’s visit to a local dry cleaning business that’s doing things differently.
Meanwhile, a spokesman for council road maintenance workers was going to say that cuts to their numbers would lead to riots if Britain’s road network was allowed to deteriorate, before stopping mid-sentence, apologising and admitting that there are some things that just can’t get any shitter.