Cyclist infuriates driver by trying not to get run over

A DRIVER has been left enraged by a cyclist’s repeated efforts to avoid getting hit by his car, it has emerged.

Joe Turner was riding his bike to work when he made several cautious manoeuvres in an attempt to protect himself from serious injury, which very briefly delayed the journey of motorist Martin Bishop.

Bishop said: “It was f**king ridiculous. At one point, he clearly signalled that he was taking a right turn, then, after a careful backward glance, moved out in front of my car where I could see him in a flagrant bid to escape getting crushed under my tyres.

“Time and again he was taking tedious precautionary measures to avoid being hospitalised. Meanwhile, I was stuck behind him for several seconds, unable to get past. He very nearly made me slightly less early for work.

“When I finally overtook him I rolled down my window and called him a ‘stupid bastard dickhead holding up decent people’, but I think he was too focussed on maintaining a safe road position to hear me.”

Turner said: “I don’t set out to irritate anybody. I’m just not keen on the idea of being mowed down on a Thursday morning. Especially by an absolute wanker in a Range Rover.”

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Priti Patel's pure evil superior to Braverman's mundane nastiness, Britain agrees

SUELLA Braverman’s pedestrian unpleasantness was feeble compared to the pure, glittering evil of her predecessor, British people have confirmed.

After the Home Secretary resigned due to breaking rules on handling confidential information, voters say she could never have lived up to Priti Patel’s unholy wickedness anyway.

Lucy Phipps, from Swanage, said: “You could tell she was trying to be bad, but it was pretty lame. Calling protesters ‘Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati’ is the kind of embarrassing shit my Uncle Roy writes in the Daily Mail comments section.

“Yeah, she said all that mad stuff about it being her dream to deport immigrants to Rwanda but it had a really try-hard, hammy vibe, like a Wicked Stepmother in a crap, provincial pantomime.

“Priti Patel, on the other hand, had a kind of innate, dead-eyed malevolence that made you genuinely frightened of her. Which isn’t what I want in a politician, but at least she was authentically awful.

“What about Grant Shapps? Don’t care. With the rate Tory ministers are dropping he’ll only be in the job for a couple of weeks, so I can’t be arsed forming an opinion.”