'Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough' roars shirtless Rees-Mogg

FOOTAGE has emerged of a shirtless Jacob Rees-Mogg standing outside the parliamentary lobbies urging colleagues to ‘have a f**king go’.

The member for North-East Somerset was filmed stripped to the waist, with bottles of Grolsch in each hand and ‘HAMMERSMITH SKINS’ written across his chest in what appeared to be blood.

Backbencher Denys Finch Hatton said: “Rees-Mogg was belligerent, intoxicated, and challenged onlookers with ‘are you looking at my majority? Are you looking at my 14,729 majority?’

“He physically barred MPs, whether Tory or Labour ‘he didn’t give a f**k mate’, from entering the Aye Lobby and shoved several through into the No Lobby against their will.

“Anyone attempting to argue was attacked. His headbutt rendered them insensible, after which their unconscious bodies were slung into his preferred lobby. At one point he unzipped his flies and urinated where he stood.

“Even cabinet colleagues were informed ‘I’m watching you, you wanker’ and cuffed on the back of the head as they pass. This is unconscionable. Don’t tell him it was me that said this.”

Rees-Mogg said: “Did you spill my Brexit? DID YOU SPILL MY F**KING BREXIT?”

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[Insert name] appoints [minister] as [cabinet post]

WHOEVER is currently prime minister has hastily offered some other minister a post in the cabinet after their predecessor dramatically resigned.

After a day of turmoil, Conservative MPs are unsure whether they will have woken up this morning to find themselves chancellor, home secretary or even had the keys to Number 10 stuffed through their front door in the night.

MP Francesca Johnson said: “I’ll admit it’s been a bit crazy. Liz Truss was outside the Commons lobby last night pointing at people saying ‘You there! Do you like growth? Say the word ‘growth’ and I’ll make you foreign secretary.

“And Suella Braverman admitted she’d breached the ministerial code on purpose because she’d placed a bet on herself to go next. She was grinning as she wrote that resignation letter, because she was £70 up.”

Senior Tory Denys Finch Hatton said: “Whips have been resigning and unresigning, there’s been screaming and shouting in the lobbies, it’s chaos. The PM even abstained from a vote of no confidence in herself, and I don’t f**king blame her.”

After reading a WhatsApp message, Hatton added: “Ah, ok, it’s my turn to be chancellor now. In that case I’d better form a fiscal plan… no, wait. I’ve already resigned.”