Cyclist who stopped at red light questions own manhood

A CYCLIST who failed to ride right through a red light has been left wondering if he is any kind of a man.

Tom Booker, 31, had a four second corridor of opportunity to avoid oncoming traffic at a junction in East London. However, instead of taking advantage of it, to his subsequent shame and disgust, he applied his brakes.

Booker said: “Traffic lights are for physically feeble people, cars and lorries. Not the strong, speedy and righteous. 

“I was about to sail through that gap, staring impassively through my visor as I did so, when a pathetic little voice in my head said to me, ‘Now, Thomas, remember the Highway Code isn’t just a book of handy suggestions.’

“It happened the other day, too. I was cycling at a steady 26 miles per hour along the pavement, texting an application for a graphic design job. 

“Then, I felt this pang of remorse telling me to slow down, put my phone away and maybe consider the possibility that I might mow down a toddler in my twattish hubris.

“What’s happening to me? Am I going to grow breasts? Please tell me I’m not going to grow breasts.”

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Woman consults phone 63 times without filling internal void

A WOMAN has looked at her smartphone 63 times in a day without finding the cure for her inner emptiness.

HR manager Donna Sheridan’s phone activity began at 7.35am when Facebook alerted her to a picture of people she didn’t know drinking wine on a houseboat.

Sheridan said: “As usual I checked my emails as soon as I got up, and yet again they were mostly about Nectar points.

“But of course it’s not about information. It’s about getting that mysterious something that will make me complete again.

“Every time it bleeps I think that might be the cure – the mysterious thing that stops this weird hollow feeling. But it’s just my housemate saying she’s staying at a friend’s house tonight.

“Then I have a quick look on Facebook and end up ‘liking’ my friend Trevor’s girlfriend’s brother’s crap ska band while feeling emptier than ever.”

Sheridan later viewed 31 other messages including an update for a time-wasting game called ‘Bubble Bust-Out’ and her flatmate asking if he should buy toilet paper, which can be stored indefinitely if not needed.

She added: “I don’t know what the answer is but I know it’s in this little glowing box. If I just keep looking at it, one day everything will be fine again.”