BRITAIN’S 500,000 cynics have been released from temporary incarceration below the Olympic stadium.
Sceptics, scoffers, naysayers, jeerers, doubters and doom-mongers had been rounded up following a trawl of internet message boards and social networking sites, and imprisoned for the duration of the games.
Cynics spent the games in dank underground quarters, watching a computer-generated alternate, disastrous games on screens in their cells.
In the cynic-friendly CGI version of the Olympics, London’s transport system collapsed under the weight of extra visitors despite all events being sparsely attended, a grossly overweight Jessica Ennis came last in the Heptathlon and Tom Daley snagged his trunks on the diving board before plunging naked into the pool.
London 2012 naysayer-wrangler Susan Traheme said: “The cynics were certainly aggrieved when we came to pick them up but, being cynics, they were not surprised.”
Officials had considered leaving the cynics underground indefinitely to prolong London’s uncommonly feelgood mood.
Traheme said: “Without them, there’d be nobody to point out that the actual ‘legacy’ of these games will be the same as it always is for any city mug enough to host them – an enormous bill and a white elephant of a stadium.”
“Also a cynic-free London could get carried away and vote in Boris Johnson as Prime Minister For Life.”
Meanwhile, the ‘Gamesmakers’, grinning automatons specially designed for the games have been dismantled and boxed up for use in Rio in 2016.
Traheme said: “Of course, those weren’t actual people.
“The cynics were right about that.”