Guest blog: Davros

I, Davros, had an appointment to see an ATOS healthcare assessor last week.

“Can I see some id please?” said the man behind the desk.

“I do not carry ID, I am Davros, sworn enemy of the human race – well everyone except Stephen Fry, who is a national treasure …. national… treasure !!!”

“Calm down, Mr Davros.”

“I am calm…. I…. am… calm!! And I am not ‘Mr’ Davros – I am ‘Davros’…. everyone addresses me so, everyone that is except Danny Dyer who calls me ‘fella’… fella!”

Davros has been confined to this chair type-thing for thousands of your earth years – cast your mind back to a time when dinsosaurs roamed the earth and Colin Baker had a size 34 waist. That will give you some kind of an idea exactly how long I’ve been… in… this… chair… in…. this… chair !!

“Mr Davros, can you lift your arm above your head?”

“Davros can lift his arm above his head. Davros can do anything he puts his mind to. Davros is the supreme being !!”

“In that case, Mr Davros I’m ruling you fit to return to work.”

“Curse you ATOS healthcare assessor who’s not quite a doctor….curse….you.”

Davros has been sleeping rough after having his house reposessed after losing his benefits and a bad run on the gee-gees… house re… pose… ssed !!!!

The other night in a dingy backstreet a man asked Davros to do things with him in return for twenty pounds… twenty pounds ! This would never have happened on Skaro, where Davros was pretty much a god.

So Davros has finally collected enough money on the street to have a pint of Bombadier in the Crawley branch of Wetherspoons – Davros is sat next to a man who’s breath smells like Tom Baker’s undercrackers after a night on the Guinness. Night… on… the… Guinness.

 

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Benefits allocated using game show-style challenges

BENEFIT assessments have been replaced by TV game show-inspired challenges including ‘Dole or No Dole’.

Under the controversial changes which were introduced last month, claimants are asked to choose from a row of boxes, one of which contains a Job Seekers Allowance cheque.

However the low success rate has led some claimants to speculate that all of boxes are empty.

The new, fun claims system varies between the regions.

In a test inspired by the daytime quiz Pointless, claimants in Coventry are only successful if they can provide a reason for being out of work that no one else has ever used.

Meanwhile in Cardiff, the unemployed compete in a general knowledge challenge called “Who Wants To Be A £71-a-week-aire?”

Job seekers have complained that the contest discriminates against the state-educated, as half the questions are about the grouse shooting season, and the other half are asked in Latin.

JSA claimant Donna Sheridan, 34, explains: “When I finally got my cheque, it was made of metal and had Blankety Blank written on it.”

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said: “Although less benefits have been paid, millions of people have qualified for a Brucie Bonus.  That could be anything from a Teasmaid to a carriage clock.”