Dad finally does something right

A FATHER has been praised by his family for doing something right for the first time in 27 years.

Martin Bishop, 58, has a long history of practical mishaps and a general lack of tact, which has led to enormous embarrassment for his wife Susan and children Emma and Tom.

Tom said: “Dad has fucked up pretty much everything he’s done for the entire span of my life, and beyond that as well, according to mum. He will break anything he touches and offend every single person he comes into contact with, even though he doesn’t mean to.

“But then, the other day, Emma was upset and dad sat down with her and talked about it, rather than making an inappropriate joke and going to the greenhouse for three hours.

“It was amazing. Mum even got a bottle of champagne from the garage and asked dad to pop it. Obviously he nearly broke Emma’s nose by firing the cork at her face, but we let that one go.”

Martin Bishop said: “My work here is done. After a couple more decades of total incompetence, I can die a happy man.”

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Group of teenagers to collectively roll incredibly bad joint

SIX teenagers have announced a plan to collectively roll a unsmokeably bad joint. 

Each of the teenagers will have a hand in the completed spliff, which will involve multiple rolling papers, cardboard reinforcement rings, a cocktail stick splint and Sellotape.

17-year-old Joseph Turner said: “It’s beyond each of us individually, but I believe if we work together we can create a cannabis joint that will get us all thoroughly stoned.

“Jordan’s on tobacco, Jack’s handling the actual weed, Olivia and Chloe are dealing with the Rizla end of things – we got five packets in case something goes wrong – and Ellie’s currently Googling what a roach is.

“We won’t get this right first time, or indeed second, but we’ll get there. And when we do, wow, blast off.”

Following construction of the Frankensteinian monstrosity the teenagers then plan to follow a strict pass-and-puff rule, to make it fairer, until its inevitable collapse.

Turner added: “In theory we’ve got my brother’s bong. But we’ve been looking at it for an hour and can’t figure out how the hell it works.”