Wetherspoons impossible to boycott

BRITONS who would like to boycott Wetherspoons because of its chairman’s political views have admitted it is impossible. 

Following Tim Martin’s endorsement of Brexit and subsequent demand that immigration rules be waived for his staff, Remainers considered a boycott before realising they would only be hurting themselves.

Drinker Tom Logan said: “We’d like to. We’d honestly like to. But post-Brexit we really need to drink.

“And not only do Wetherspoon’s do a solid breakfast for a very acceptable price, their bar prices mean you can party like it’s 1993 rather than slink home glumly after two rounds.

“They renovate nice buildings, educate you about obscure local historical figures, hire enough bartenders to actually get you served when it’s five deep at the bar, and don’t play any Ed fucking Sheeran.

“Boycott it? I’m there every night.”

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Playgrounds to become thrillingly dangerous again

CHILDREN can once again crack their heads open on concrete while swinging on rusted metal bars when the UK scraps EU protection laws.

Since the legislation was put in place in the early 90s serious injuries on playgrounds have declined by 85 per cent and with them Britain’s daredevil spirit, campaigners believe.

Mum-of-two Helen Archer said: “We lost something when they put in those rubber floors and took away the razor-sharp edges. We lost our courage.

“When I was a girl, adventure playgrounds lived up to their name. You never knew if you’d come home screaming with just gravel in your knees or missing two front teeth after being thrown from a broken swing onto a cement slab.

“Climbing frames that were essentially mazes of scaffolding without safety nets trained a nation of builders. Now, to our shame, we have to get Poles in.

“I can’t wait until the day a strange, sweating child knocks at the door saying I need to go to the park because our Sean’s fell and broken his leg.

“On that day, I will cheer.”