Logical next step for Britain is series of colonial conquests

THE best way to make Britain great again is to invade resource-rich territories and enslave their people, Boris Johnson has claimed.

The prime minister secretary assuaged fears that Britain’s influence will wane after leaving Europe by outlining a series of winnable wars to restore the glories of Empire.

He continued: “Taking back our rightful place in the world won’t come from trade deals. We need to get back on the gunboats and plant the Union Jack in some land.

“Norway is there for the taking. We can annex Andorra in an afternoon. Then we’ll give both countries weird, anglicised names and bastardise their national cuisine.

“Who cares what Germany’s saying when you’re marching on Ulan Bator with orders to sack the city and restock the British Museum?

“Nothing endears you to the world like subjugating people and plundering their wealth. Trust us, we know.”

Wayne Hayes of Wrexham said: “I’m going to be one of those explorers who discovers mountains only non-white people have ever seen before and names them after himself.

“Hayes Rock or Mount Hayes? Either works.”

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City twats enjoy week of patronising rural people

A GROUP of hipsters have spent an ironic week in the country laughing at the backwardness of the benighted locals.

Brand relationship manager Nikki Hollis and her friends rented a cottage in rural Norfolk to de-stress from their urban lives by finding the very concept of milking a cow hilarious.

She said: “The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under a plant pot, I mean omigod. Just imagine doing that in London.

“At lunchtime Sam asked for directions to an Itsu, which had us in stitches, and we ended up in this pub that was so authentic they didn’t even do tapas.

“We had to leave because Jamie got in an argument with this farmer about whether his agriculture was sustainable and the guy was like ‘you don’t even know what sustainable means,’ and we were like ‘yes we do, it means good.’”

Landowner Martin Bishop said: “I’ve actually got a PhD in environmental science and a multi-million pound solar farm, but it amuses me to indulge them.

“Watch when I turn off the wifi. They go absolutely mental.”