THE best way to make Britain great again is to invade resource-rich territories and enslave their people, Boris Johnson has claimed.
The prime minister secretary assuaged fears that Britain’s influence will wane after leaving Europe by outlining a series of winnable wars to restore the glories of Empire.
He continued: “Taking back our rightful place in the world won’t come from trade deals. We need to get back on the gunboats and plant the Union Jack in some land.
“Norway is there for the taking. We can annex Andorra in an afternoon. Then we’ll give both countries weird, anglicised names and bastardise their national cuisine.
“Who cares what Germany’s saying when you’re marching on Ulan Bator with orders to sack the city and restock the British Museum?
“Nothing endears you to the world like subjugating people and plundering their wealth. Trust us, we know.”
Wayne Hayes of Wrexham said: “I’m going to be one of those explorers who discovers mountains only non-white people have ever seen before and names them after himself.
“Hayes Rock or Mount Hayes? Either works.”