Daily Mail readers planning march against the public sector

PLANS to increase pay in the public sector have prompted outraged Daily Mail readers to organise a demonstration in London.

The pay rises are the last straw for readers already furious about huge public sector pensions, Marxist teachers promoting gayness and lazy nurses who chat to each other.

Retired engineer Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve started a campaign called ‘Stop The Public Sector’ and we’re going to march on Parliament to oppose these immoral, unjust pay rises.

“We want to send a message that hardworking taxpayers won’t accept cosseted policemen and prison officers bleeding the country dry with their greed.

“I’ll be taking a megaphone and leading chants like ‘What do we want? Low pay for nurses! When do we want it? Now!’ and ‘Money money money! Less less less!’

“My local Daily Mail action group has been making placards with biting slogans like ‘Council workers? Council SHIRKERS!’ and ‘No £££s for Plod, he’s an overpaid sod!’

“Hopefully the protest will be peaceful, but when you think about how inefficient the public sector is it wouldn’t surprise me if someone throws a brick at an ambulance.”

Police officer Nikki Hollis: “No doubt I’ll end up treating Mail readers who’ve forgotten their angina pills and they’ll be really grateful then go back to slagging us off the next day. Twats.”

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Weather officially no longer small talk

WEATHER is no longer a safe topic for small talk in social situations, experts have confirmed.

As storms and climate-related events continue to cause destruction across the globe, people just wanting a chat have been advised to steer clear of all conversation about any form of weather.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I was in a lift with a colleague the other day and we started talking about how it feels like autumn is setting in.

“The next thing I knew we were analysing the psychology of climate change deniers and wondering how we’d each fare when society collapses under the waves.”

She added: “By the time we reached the fifth floor, we’d got onto whether the planet was rejecting humans altogether.”

However, politics and religion have been downgraded to ‘relatively safe’ topics for discussion, as everyone agrees that Theresa May is a disaster and if there is a god, it is a vengeful one.

Anyone still concerned about stumbling into controversy, has been advised to stick to holiday plans, anecdotes about pets and Piers Morgan being a dickhead.