Dawkins to turn his hand to vintage motorbikes

RICHARD Dawkins has ditched his atheism campaign in favour of restoring Norton motorbikes.

After a new survey found the majority of the UK followed no religion, the biologist handed in his placards and loudhailer to spend his retirement pottering around in his garage.

Dawkins said: “I’ll stay on Twitter but it’ll mostly be asking if anyone has a spare pushrod for a 1968 Norton Commando.

“That said, I will be asking why the Muslim world has never produced any four-stroke engines of note outside of the Royal Enfield Bullet, which is a dog of a ride compared to the rationalist majesty of a Triumph Bonneville.”

The survey also found that while religion was on the wane, the faith that Made In Chelsea was real was on the rise as a form of irrational belief.

Over 60 percent said that while they did not believe in the afterlife, they did believe that rich people discussed their infidelity in brightly lit wine bars.

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Humanity warned against reacting to Madonna kiss

ANYONE with an opinion about Madonna’s behaviour is playing into the hands of society’s evil puppet masters, it has been claimed.

The 56-year-old fading star kissed singer Drake on stage as part of an ongoing plan by giant corporations to keep everyone’s thoughts focused on utterly pointless, fake taboo-busting bullshit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Just ignore it. Read books.

“Madonna is a modern day gorgon. I’m not saying she looks like a gorgon, because then everyone would start calling me a misogynist and I would not get home in time for dinner.

“I just mean that if you look at her you turn to stone, or rather die a little inside.

“Even discussing this sort of cynical shite makes me feel dirty, but it does seem to be depressingly effective.

“There is lots of good music out there. Go and find it. Walk into a record shop and ask a human about it, then use your brain and emotions to decide what you like instead of just doing what the telly says.”

Twitter user Stephen Malley said: “I bet her mouth tastes of…a thing. Also, it would be considered a sex attack if that were a man doing it to a woman. But I would be up for it because she is like a fit nan.

“Is that everything covered? Do I get my free t-shirt now?

“I love feeling like I’m taking part in something important.”