Cats admit perverse love of heat

CAT are incredibly keen on high temperatures despite having thick pelts, it has emerged.

Four-year-old cat Julian Cook confessed a desire to lie sprawled in direct sunlight during the coming heat wave, ideally in a mostly-glass room with all the radiators on.

He said: “My love of extreme heat freaks everyone out, especially when they see dogs who generally have lighter coats but look completely fucked when it’s even moderately warm.

“I love to be super hot because I get trippy visions, like in a Native American sweat lodge. It’s way better than catnip and you don’t get the headachey moody feeling afterwards.”

Brown-and-white cat Susan Traherne said: “My attitude to intense sunshine is ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you really sleepy’.

“When I’m lying spread-eagled in a greenhouse in July people ask me ‘are you too hot?’ or even start discussing among themselves whether I might be dead.

“But for me there is no ‘too hot’. It’s another unexplainable part of the feline condition, like the weird shit we do with mice.”

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United fans take custody of Manchester’s pathetic self-satisfaction

LORRIES have been shifting Manchester’s reserves of insufferable smugness following yesterday’s derby game.

The stock piles of inexplicable conceit, kept in City-supporting homes since last May, were transported overnight to United households, many of which are in Manchester.

Wayne Hayes, a researcher at Manchester University, said: “The city is fuelled by the belief that the whole world is against you and that you are the best thing to exist in that world.

“When one group of foreigners outperforms another group of foreigners, the city’s absurd self-regard has to be placed in the custody of the self-deluding victors.”

But with a disappointing season for both teams and the existence of Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds, there have been predictions the city could lose a fraction of its overbearing self-belief.

Hayes added: “By 2019 Manchester could be reduced to thinking it was marginally less important than a combination of New York and Atlantis.”