'Dear bastards, thank you for buying our child a toy drum kit'

DEAR Auntie Emily and Uncle Bill,

Thank you so much for the toy drum kit you got Jesse for Christmas. He hasn’t stopped playing with it. No, seriously. He. Will. Not. Stop. And if we try to take it away from him he screams like an ABSOLUTE FUCKING MANIAC.

It’s just fantastic.

We wondered if you are trying to encourage Jesse’s musical side? We’ll all be so proud when he drops out of university to become a drummer in a death metal band, gets addicted to crystal meth and marries a Norwegian Goth. You are so sweet and considerate.

Of course, we’ll probably never know because we’ll both be dead from asphyxiation from holding pillows over our own heads. Don’t feel sad for us. We’ll have gone to a much, much better place. It’s called Total Oblivion.

We look forward to repaying your generosity at Uncle Bill’s 60th. We’ll bring dessert. Is he still allergic to peanuts?

Thanks again for the present and have a happy and peaceful new year, you pair of utter dickbags.

Sarah and Stewart

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Man aiming for personal best in half-arsed, leave-it-to-the-last-minute speed-wrapping

A MAN is aiming for a new record by wrapping all his presents in under six minutes, less than half an hour before they are due to be opened.

Tom Booker is confident he can smash last year’s speed-wrapping record, even if the results look like someone gave Sellotape and shiny paper to the possessed girl in The Exorcist.

He said: “Sometimes I don’t even bother cutting the paper – last year I used an entire sheet on one small bag of chocolate coins. 

“It doesn’t pay to get hung up on attention to detail. My motto is ‘Just wank it out’.”

He added: “My girlfriend only rips off the paper anyway, like a demented badger driven to a frenzy by the prospect of a giant Toblerone.”