'Deep divisions in society' mostly just whinging twats

THE ‘deep divisions in society’ caused by Brexit are actually just various twats moaning on about stuff, experts now believe.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that ‘divided Britain’ is the invention of gullible people who pay too much attention to professional whiners.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that passionate Remainers and fervent Brexiters, the very people compaining about these ‘deep divisions’, were also very irate on other subjects.

“To wit: seatbelts, electric hobs, Yorkshire terriers, the price of Toblerones in duty free, the recent Avengers film, and Chicago Town deep pan pizzas having ‘too much sauce’. I mean, just don’t fucking buy them then.

“According to these people, the argument about whether skateboarding should be an Olympic sport is tearing Britain apart, because they’re melodramatic argumentative arseholes.”

Martin Bishop of Hartlepool said: “People round here feel totally alienated by the London-centric decision-making process. Also why isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC2 anymore?

“And why is it you can get a four-pack of lager, but never a five-pack for when you might fancy one more? We’re on the brink of civil war about that.”

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Maniac puts film on at 9.30pm

A CRAZED lunatic has outraged sensibilities by beginning to watch a feature film at 9.30pm on a weekday night. 

Tom Booker somehow managed to persuade his wife – who police are considering a hostage – to start watching Bohemian Rhapsody even though there was little hope they would complete viewing it before midnight.

He said: “I know it’s a bit late, but come on, it’s only a film. We can sit on the sofa and keep our eyes open that long, can’t we?

“Yes normally we’re in bed by half-ten but it’s only a four-day week and sometimes you’ve got to live a little. If we’re a bit tired at work, it’s hardly the end of the world.

“Let’s make a night of it. I’ve got the chips and dip out and I’ve lowered the lights. Let movie night begin.”

Wife Emily said: “We turned it off before 10pm, after we both woke up with a start 20 minutes in. He had fallen asleep with his hand in the hummus.”