Would 21st century Britain actually beat the Nazis?

BACK in 1945 Britain beat Nazi Germany, with only nominal help from the USA and Russia. And today, there are more Britons who believe they would single-handedly defeat the Nazis then ever before. But would we? 

Would we win… in Dunkirk? 

Young Britons, seasoned in so many music festivals, would find the experience of being trapped in a supposedly idyllic coastal location with security trying to kick them off and no transport available boringly familiar and tediously easy to cope with.

Would we win… the Battle of Britain? 

In 1940, pilots and their Spitfires took to the air and defeated the Nazi threat, buying their country crucial time. Today’s teenage pilots, trained by years of Xbox dogfighting, would be even better but the non-stop racist and homophobic invective they habitually spew at opponents would soon make them realise they have more in common with the Nazis after all.

Would we win… on the beaches? 

Tens of thousands of young British soldiers would storm the beaches at Normandy, braving hails of bullets to fight back the only way they know how: by posting bullshit online. And though they would score significant victories, including the cancelling of a senior Nazi general for liking a Britain First post, ultimately they would lose.

Would we win… in Berlin? 

If UK forces made it to the ruins of the German capital, they would find its bombed ruins so incredibly Instagrammable that the advance would slow to a crawl and snipers would have a field day. Hitler’s bunker would become as familiar a sight on Tinder profiles as Machu Picchu.

Would we win… overall? 

We would fight bravely, nobly and largely ineffectively until America, waking up late to its moral duty to battle for what it believes in no matter what the cost, comes into the war on the Nazi side and crushes us completely.  

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Grandparents don't know what attraction they've brought the kids to today and don't f**king care

GRANDPARENTS looking after their grandchildren over half-term have no idea what attraction they are visiting today and could not care less, they have confirmed. 

The retired couple, who are exhaustedly allowing the children supposedly in their care run riot in whatever aquarium, museum or soft play centre they are currently obliviously in the middle of, have confessed they cannot tell the difference any more.

Norman Steele, aged 71, said: “Is this a petting zoo, or are those animals stuffed? Not that I give a bugger.

“It’s marvellous having grandchildren but when I visited these places four decades ago, with kids of my own, I was already bored. Now I can barely discern them.

“The kids are excited, they run around screaming, we have cups of tea and give them massive blue slushies and Toffee Crisps whenever they hassle us. Knowing where we are’s not in my remit.

“Three more days of this. Yes, dear, of course you can have a pound to go on the machine. Don’t bother telling me what it is.”

Five-year-old Daisy Steele said: “Today Ganda and Gandma took us to the abbatoir that’s next to the swimming pool. We had a lovely time.”